fallin angel

my so called life
2002-07-15 15:55:20 (UTC)

living makes me wanna die

7.15.02
11:26am...

sorry i haven't writen in a while! i forget what the
last thing i wrote was!... but yea...

on sunday the 7th hannah got home n called... so we
talked 4 a lil... n then on the 8th i went 2 her house...

blah blah blah.. nothing realie happened.. (over the
week) she started gettin all bitchy n stuff... and she got
mad cuz me n her sis were rippin up paper to TRY n get rid
of evrything pissing us off n stuff... and that took a
while! so hannah got mad and went upstairs in her room n
started writin back to our notebook that we had for school.
and it was about how she tries not to be happy all the
time, and how she always feels like the third wheel about
me n her sis... and i wrote back sumthin like this... dont
eva try to not be happy! i would love to be happy all the
time, and i always feel like the third wheel when you are
with caitlin you care more about her that you dont even
realize that i am hurt! and blah blah blah... (there were
many examples!!!)

then on friday we went to see a movie (spiderman
again... if i have to watch that movie one more time im
gonna die!) and at he begining me and rhe were talking
about something and we were like hannah sit back and talk
to us, and she got all bitchy and shit!.. i was like fine
ruin another day for me! so i kina sat there like god i
wanna leave the whole time!

o yea and on friday night my mom asked if asshole (o
sorry i mean bob) could spend the night and i was like
w/e... so she let him, then i went upstairs 2 my roo and
lock the door like i always do! and she comes up (drunk may
i add) and is like why do you have your door locked you
never have it locked and shit like that (i always have my
door locked!) and she continued about how it bothers her
that i have this anger inside me and shit like that... i
was about to say "yea w/e bitch your one of the many people
who got me this way!"... o yea and btw before she came in i
cut ... and i had to pull down rhe's sweatshirt really fast
to cover it... and i got some blood on the inside, o well
she wont notice!...

umm hannah went back to her moms yesterday and gave me
the # for there... i dunno if im gonna call. my mom got me
a walk to remember (good movie, shane west is so way
hotttttt!!!!!!!!)

o yea and the other day tim, amy, josh, hannah, and
brandon were over and i just felt let out... and then later
on (they were still here. except for josh) i went downstais
and i started crying... and like 20-30 mins later hannah
came down and was like whats wrong, i was just like
nothing... i dun really know why i started crying...

i wrote a poem the other day at hannah's...

Why...

Why does everyone seem to be against me?
Why can’t I just be happy like I used to be?
Why do I end up crying every night?
Why do I always end up in a fight?
Why do people treat others this way?
Why am I being pulled apart by a fray?
Why do I long to leave this town?
Why do I feel I’ve been turned upside-down?
Why does everyone always seem to lie?
Why does being alive make me wanna die?
Why do I always wanna be alone?
Why do I scream on the inside, and moan?
Why do I feel like the ugly duck?
But most of all... WHY DOES LIFE SUCK?!

o fuck no you aint bitch! my moms on the phone and
she's like well im just gonna take a personal day and spend
it with the kid! ugh! well she prob aint she's just sayin
that... hell ill leave! even though none o my friends are
at home! o yea did i mention my mom and bob went camping on
saturday. and to a concert last night.. o and when she also
told me that she has tried so hard all through-out my life
to talk to me, and it hasn't worked.. im just kinda like
w/e.. and then she was like think of smething you wanna do
with me and hannah can come to...

god i hate life!... i will try and write more later
tonight...




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