Chelsea

amazing things
2002-07-15 14:26:06 (UTC)

part of the key.

ahhh u lazy ass wimps its 9:30!!get up! I've been awake for
3 hours now! after a insomnia ridden night! falling asleep
at 4... I should have stayed up another hour or so to see
the first rosy fingers of dawn creep over my street. but I
decided that b/c I have to b-sit today I might as well get
some sleep.ne way my insomnia last night was a blessing. I
will tell you. but I can't explain it now. Its too hard..
soo (this is the only time I will do this) I'm taking a
little part from my personal journal to explain. coz I wrote
it in there when I was thinking it. Its one of those 3am
thoughts, but a good, logical one, I think.

"July 15 ....Idea-revelation

....This is what I have been hiding from myself. This is the
key to what I was. or at least part of it. sitting here
THINKING, not being afraid to. leting my mind go. knowing
all I had to do was to reread the entry on the 14th & I
could be ok again. but in this thinking I have found what I
was keeping from myself, keeping to myself. afraid to show
the world. I am getting closer to knocking down all of my
defenses against myself that I have built up to protect
myself. but now I don;t need protection. I can find that
from my friends, because now I KNOW for SURE they will be
there. now I need freedom, I need to get out of this cage I
have built. Ne way back to this "key" It is that I didn't
care whether or not I was alive. being dead or alive, to me,
was like choosing between chocolate & vanilla ice cream. It
was trivial, & the thing is I didn't believe in an
afterlife. once you were dead it was over(not anymore
though) I guess the only 2 things that really kept me alive
were 1) guilt- I thought it was selfish of me to just up &
leave. uncaring, you know? 2) it was too damn hard to kill
myself. too much effort goes into that.
I think that this is kind of odd to be thinking. It is
something I never thought I'd share w/ ne one... its awkward
I guess. oh well...
....But now I want to live. I want it VERY VERY badly. There
is so much to live for. every morning I wake up & get a
thrill out of JUST WATCHING THE SUNRISE. at night I can't
wait for the next day so I can do things & be w/ friends. I
enjoy every moment I can because nothing, NOTHING is more
valueable to me than living this very moment...."

at which point I go off on a tangent about the meaning of
life. like I said it was 3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. my
thoughts get a little messed up that early in the morning.
but what I was trying to say I think is that I had no
passion, no desire to live, to be involved with life. does
that scare you? It doesn't scare me... its like being told
your house is burning down but not reacting at all to it.
numbness. I'm too cold sometimes. warm me up.

Also I rewrote my will last night. haha. I haven't modified
my will since 8th grade. it needed it. yeah its all good
now. funny how some people don't even think about dieing. to
me I feel like any second your life could just be snuffed
out. so y not be ready? yeah. its insane...don't bother.

I am nervous. yesterday I made myself sick b/c of it. I see
the psyciatrist today. at 6. yesterday I didn't want to
think about it. so I locked myself in my room listened to
cds, read, slept, did what ever I could to keep my mind off
it. I gots to face it today. I am so unlike myself right
now. I am very rarely nervous. or overly anxious. never so
nervous I throw up. but I did yesterday. I need to calm
myself down. its not going to be bad. it will be good. it
will all be good. my mom is gonna tell my dad before next
weeks appointment. I don't have to go to that one though.
only my parents. then the week after that the shrink will
decide if I need to come back some more. I hope not. lots of
people have told me that I need to see a doctor... but I
don't want to drag up old emotions. I don't want to. I just
want to be done. I don't want to think about it. I don't
want to relive it. I want to think about NOW. start living
in this moment. in the present. the whole entire time I was
depressed I wasn't living in the present, but in the past.
so I don't know. I hope tonight will go well.

danni is coming over after my appointment. so yay! fun. If I
need to cry afterwards I now have an understanding shoulder
to do it on. I'm psyched about her coming over. really. its
almost as good as seeing jim.lol funnyness... no its great.
haha me n dannis motto "guys may come & go but friends are
forever" & of course "shit rolls down hill & we are at the
bottom" & u can't forget "3491" hehe. I like the last one.

I saw the nfg "my friends over you" video this morning. I
like it lots! its super kewl!

I need some lovin'.
Chelsea

P.S. about my last entry... I'll never live my dream of
becoming a Hooters Girl!! nooooo! I might have to become a
rocket scientist now, damnit.




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