accidental.mum

mistake's blood.
2002-07-15 12:59:56 (UTC)

drop 1.

I saw the doctor today. He brushed my lower abdomen with a
kind of lubricant. I kept my eyes on the monitor as he ran
the scanner with some force over the slicked area. There
was a circle. A very obvious circle. He said you were quite
big. 9 weeks old. You looked really small. But he blew the
picture of you up. & can still see you in my mind's eye now.

He didn't see the point of giving me a picture of the
scan. 'Coz he knew what I had to do. To you.

I asked him how much would it cost. He said $500. I wanted
the procedure done as soon as possible. He reassured me
that it'll be over by this week. I wanted to know the
steps. I wanted to know how he'd take you out of me.

He told me that he'd stick a straw-like instrument in &
just suck you out. 'Coz you're just like an egg-yolk now.
Soft. I smiled.

I don't love you my baby. I don't. Mummy doesn't want you.

Your sperm donor's not going to be involved. I'm gonna take
full responsibility. I know you understand my baby. You're
not going to be happy if I keep you. & it's too
complicated. It's gonna be a hard life darling. I'd rather
you not live.

It'll be done on Wednesday morning. 10am.

This is for you my baby...




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