nik

Sea Of Anger
2002-07-15 07:06:20 (UTC)

this is me

i am going through a lot right now, and i am doing a good
job of staying sane. my mother has TMJ syndrome, and she is
always in pain, and she might have lung cancer. we dont
have a car or anything at the moment, but it will all level
out someday. my life has always been hard, i have never
been a sheltered child. and i think its better that way,
because i know how to handle myself in real life
situations, and i see the reality in things, i dont live in
a fantasy world, and i never have. i wish my life would
just be ok, but it isnt that easy. i always wonder what its
like to be truely happy, and to not have my "friends" ditch me and to
see my mom be happy, and have my little brother living with my mom
and i and not his dad... wonder what it's like to be out of debt. and
wonder how all of it would be if we never moved. but hten i step
back and take a look at my life the way it is, and i am
learning to accept it, although a few things could change,
and i am working on it. for example speaking my mind when i
have the chance, telling everyone how i truely feel, not
bottling myself up inside my head. night is the hardest
part of the day for me, its really quiet and i have time to
think and remember all those things from childhood that i
dont want to remember anymore. i just want it all to go
away, i hate all the confusion, anger, pain, anxiety, i
dont want to hurt anymore, i dont want to see my friends
and family hurt anymore either. wishful thinking. i wish i
could make cures for how people are, i have been done
wrong, put on a shelf, thrown around, and stepped on way
too many times. and i hate it, i hate myself, i just want
to not be here anymore sometimes. but i am not going to
give up, i am not going to let people get to me that bad, i
will overcome, and i will make my mother proud.




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