Yup, my name.

Tuff Questions
2002-07-15 06:05:30 (UTC)

but now what?

i'm looking for something. or waiting for something. or
something. sometimes theres like songs that really can
like sum up ur mood. this is one of those times. i dunno
how i feel. the song is slow. but like loud. it's
depressing, but calming. it relaxes me. it's intense
though. i dunno, maybe thats all just me. i feel like my
life's a fake. i'm not really living. there's something
missing. i dont know what. i dunno, i'm rushing though my
life so fast that i'm not gonna be able to enjoy it.
before i know it i'll be graduating high school, then going
to west point, then graduating that and joining the army.
who knows, maybe i'll end up in some shit hole country in
europe or africa and still be looking for this. i hope
not. w/e it is, i know that if i find it, i'll be able to
be at peace. i just feel like my whole life right now is
just like... there. its just time leading up to something
else. i go through my life doing things, but not really
like experiencing anything. it's so numbing. i dunno.
like sometimes i consider myself to be a somewhat
emmotional person... but then times like this... i could do
or have anything done to me and feel absolutely nothing.
nothing at all. it's lonely. i feel like no one can
really understand me. i thought it was sarah, but look at
the situation i'm having with her. laura... i dunno... she
hasn't had time to learn who i am. no one REALLY knows
me. i feel like i'm all alone here. interacting with the
outside world is just a thing on the side. there's so much
to me that i wanna be able to tell someone. like someone
who would KNOW exactly what i'm feeling aobu anything at
any time. i guess u could call it a soul mate, but then
again if u woulda asked me 5 months ago who that was i
woulda sworn to anything it was sarah... its weird. all i
can say to describe what i feel is numbness. alone.
emptiness. its just not there. i'm not depressed though.
like i said, its just numb. u could tel me now that my
entire family died and i'd be like "shit... that sucks" or
you could gimme a million bucks and id be like "cool, drop
it off over there". i dunno. its just such a blah
feeling. maybe thats why i sorta avoid my family almost.
they don't understand me. my dad the least so thats why i
avoid him. my mom to a degree, but nowhere close to the
real me. sarah yes... but no. laura... i dunno... i still
can't figure her out. it'd take like us being stuck ona an
island together for a month or two for me to figure her
out. heh... i dunno. i guess i'm still searching for that
thing w/e it is. and at this point in my life i've come to
ralize it and i want to know what it is. like becoming
self-aware. but now what?
Me




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