Karma

My So Called Life
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2002-07-14 18:40:13 (UTC)

leg hairt

i had every intention of coming in here and writing
something about how unhappy matt makes me. but i
don't think i will. yes it is true that a good majority of the
time her turtures me unknowingly from afar but there
are these points in my life when i am relieved from this
and have a happy life and think about happy things.
today i relived my trip to spain. i looked at picture and
read my journal from the trip and thumbed through
pamphlets while i was at work. this reminded me of
matt but in a good way. i remember that was the time
when i was just first getting to know him. that was the
first time we;d ever spent any time together. i'd had
advisory with him all year and i supposed i'd noticed
him as just being that cute quiet boy but i think spain
was when i started loving him really. i sort of went
along with all of the other girls who had a big thing for
him while we were there but when we got back i started
to miss him if we didn't talk everyday at school. and
tehn we decided to go to prom together and we started
spending time together one on one and getting stoned
together and having all this fun. when i am with him i
feel warm and happy inside. he lights me up...... i want
to reach out and be there for him and hold him and tell
him how everythings is going to be okay and how
special he is. i want to kiss him softly and show him
what love and closness can be like..... that it isn';t just a
big let down like his dad was to him. i want him to see
what human contact can be like. i wish i could make
him understand. yes, i miss him right now and am
saddended by the fact that i have no idea when i'll see
him again. but then i think about the last time i did see
him. we got stoned and watched How High. sitting near
him on the couch and eating dum dum lollipops was
like walking on water. i'd brush against him and shiver
and i know he didn't notice. then we went into the
computer room and i showed him my super cool
computer that i am currently using to write this diary
entry on. as i look at the black chiar which he sat in i
feel really overwhelmed. he is in my life. thank God. he
does appreciate me in his own little way. i slept on the
couch in the place where he sat that night. i cried a
little. it was wonderful. i felt really loved while he was
there. not so much anymore though.


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