Meshed Up
2002-07-14 08:59:43 (UTC)


god knows how many days it has been since i last wrote
here. a lot of things have happened: good things, bad
things, and i have an uneven tan.

where shall i start? my thoughts are in a jumble after all
the ups and downs of the past week. i am thinking of things
that i am afraid to write down, of things that i am afraid
to even acknowledge myself, of things that i would rather
not have happened.

someone asked me: 'when was the darkest time of your life?'
someone replied: 'everyday is dark for her.'
and i shrugged: 'i never blamed god for anything.'

and as i look back to all the lives i have destroyed, i
wonder why i am still loved by the people who chose to love

dad almost cried on the pulpit today. i didn't hear what he
said, but i heard his voice break. friends asked, 'why does
your dad cry so much?' beats me...

my thoughts are in a mess really. i don't know how to cram
everything up in one single entry. sometimes i wonder if i
am making the right choices in life.

a girl hugged me today and gave me a kiss on the
cheek. 'please don't go candice...'

another asked, 'when are you flying back to melbourne?'
i said, 'on saturday.'
he said, 'can it be a saturday three years from now?'

i feel loved and yet i feel like crap.

so many people walking in and out right now. i can't type
properly. i can't concentrate. i don't want them to see. i
don't want them to read.