Raven

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2001-06-30 06:25:56 (UTC)

Weak

June 30, 2001
2:20 in the morning

I got to talk to rachel today and she basically told me
she loves me but it won't work. She doesn't want to move on
but in short..she will...she has to. Even when she said it
nice it killed me. I went swimming with steed, ari, and
inzie today at Blackhan. It was ok I guess. I was really
the only one into it though. Steed was semi there and the
others where to worried about it being dirty. All I could
think about was being there with rachel and how much fun
we'd have had. I wanted to swim with her today and I really
wanted to talk to her. I thought maybe she'd come over and
swim today or tomarrow since my family with be gone all
day. I thought maybe she'd want to go with me with my
family canoeing but I guess not. Atleast not with me. So i
broke down today about 3 or 4 different times. One I ended
up calling rachel. I'm so fucking stupid. She was at
austins. I figured she would be for some reason. I knew I
shouldn't have called and I should have just let go. Or
atleast let her let go. She said she was going swimming
with them tonight and this was at 12:30. It's now 2:25 and
I doubt she's gonna call me at all now. I don't know what
to say to her now anyways. I'll just end up looking stupid.
God,I just want to see her tomarrow all alone. Just me and
her. I'm such a dreamer. Liz is still as confusing as ever.
She's been really nice all of a sudden. Whatever. After
getting back from swimming I took a shower and washed my
hair. I think I did it cuz inzie said it is pretty washed.
Me need acceptance agin I guess. I went to my grandpa's and
was to call steed when I was done so we could jam. I called
and got no answer for about 2 hours so I sat by myself. He
called me back finally and came and got me another hour
later and him, inzie, and I drove around with nothing to
do. We ended up sitting by the Barn listening to a band
play oldies. We didn't even get to see them..just hear it.
After a half hour driving around and a half hour of
watching a barn I was ready to leave. I sat there feeling
very alone while steed talked on the phone to his girl
friend about how I didn't like the band but I don't like
any bands. Inzie didn't say a word to me so I was ready to
leave and got my bookbag and started walking off from the
car. I wasn't stopped by them or asked where I was going to
go so I just went. I ran into sharri and stacy and they
asked me what was up and I told them. They told me I should
come back but I just said no and walked off. It was after
this I broke down and called rachel. Now, I sit here alone
online waiting for someone...anyone ... to talk to me. I
need to talk to someone soon. I can't stand being alone. I
sit back and watch the phone but no one's calling.

2:38 in the morning

Rachel just called and is on her way home. She's going to call me
from her house so she can hear me better. She asked if I'm ok. If I
was asleep and if I want to talk. Is there anything left to talk
about? What's left to say? Nothing I say will make a difference now.
It's all been said before. I wish she could see inside of me for only
a moment to see what I feel for her. It would horrify anyone to stay
in my to long. I think maybe I've stayed to long.


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