Cath

my so called life
2002-07-13 19:50:53 (UTC)

Emotional roller coaster

Oh my god, this has been the worst day.
I'm in such a crappy mood.
It's probably because of the pill. I went to the health
station to get it as I said I would. I've been taking it
for almost a month now. It is much easier, we don't have to
worry about protection anymore. Ben thinks it's great. He
doesn't have to worry about anything. Well, I got my period
yesterday and I've been a mess ever since. It hurts like
hell, tho I've heard that it's supposed to hurt less.. The
pill is supposed to cure PMS somewhat. But as I said, I've
been a wreck. Today I've been crying for almost two hours.
I never cry!! Ben is going out today, but none of my (girl)
friends were going out, so I didn't either. He called
before he went to Steve's. Both mine and his parents are on
holiday (not together), and he wanted me to just go to his
place so that I would be there when he got home. I was like
hell no. I can imagine how that would be, he would be drunk
and I would be tired and cranky. So I told him that if he
wanted someone to keep his bed warm, he could find an add
in the paper and order someone. He just laughed. He said
he'd probably call or send me a message later. I don't know
why, but I get so easily upset when he's going out and I'm
not. I don't know if it's because he is so flirty. I know
that it's me that he wants to be with and I'm not really
afraid that he'll meet someone else. I don't know.. I just
get upset. He said 'I'll probably call you and tell you how
much fun I've had.' Tho I can't explain why, I got upset. I
was like I bet you will. With a really grumpy voice. He
noticed and asked if I didn't want him to call. I told him
that he could do what ever he wanted. Then he said he had
to call Steve and that we'd talk later. I said goodbye and
hung up. Grumpy. My stomach hurt as hell and I went to get
some painkillers. Suddenly I just collapsed at the floor,
crying. I cried for a while before I pulled myself together
and got the painkillers and went to watch some telly. Later
I got a message from Ben saying that Lucy, Ally and Tiff
were going out after all. He just thought I should know in
case I changed my mind. I talked with Tiff earlier today
and she said she wasn't going out. Lucy has totally cut me
off. I haven't talked with her since school ended. I don't
know what the fuck's up with her. I realized I have almost
no friends here anymore. No one called me. I've got like
Geri and Lisa. And Ben of course. I guess Tiff is my
friend, and to a point Ally, Annie, Bella, Silvia and Jane
as well. But no FRIENDS, if you know what I mean. People
that love you to death and is always there for you. Exept
Ben, there's only Lisa (and maybe Steve). Lucy used to be
my friend, but I think she hates me now. It made me cry so
hard. I'm a TOTAL wreck today :((
I got a message from Tiff a while ago. She asked if I
wanted to come. They just decided to go out. But being the
wreck I am and the fact that I wouldn't be there before
10:30 pm I said no. I felt kind of stupid for overreacting,
but what do I know, maybe Ben called Tiff and asked her to
ask me. Oh christ :(

So.. Ben and I.. We are great. Except when I freak, which I
have been doing pretty often lately. He can make me feel so
small and useless.
Am I 13 again?
Am I 13 for good?
I KNOW he doesn't mean to, cause we've actually talked
about it. Yeah, we went to Denmark, to the Roskilde music
festival, together. It was amazing most of the time. 10
days being together pretty much 24 hours a day. I am very
much in love with him.
But something happened..
Since Roskilde is a music festival, we went to a lot of
concerts, of course. We have pretty different taste in
music. I was supposed to hang out with Geri a lot, but she
went with her new boyfriend Pete, and they were together
24/7 and I felt like the third wheel. So I didn't really
feel like hanging out with them.
Ben wanted to listen to some bands I have never heard of
and he wanted to hang out with his friends. That is ok, of
course. But I knew this would happen before we went, and
that's why I didn't really look so much forward to the
trip. Since Geri was so occupied all the time, I didn't
really have anyone to hang out with. And I felt like a
milestone around Ben's neck. It was the worst feeling.
Imagine this.. you are in a foreign country, you know
hardly anyone and you've got the feeling that your
boyfriend wishes you weren't there. I really didn't know
what to do. Ben didn't understand, he thought I was upset
because he was drunk or because he was nagging. We talked
about it when we got home, and I told him how I felt. He
felt so bad and he's been thinking a lot about it and he is
very sorry. So things are ok.. After that things were kind
of weird between us, tho. I was a bit afraid that we had
ruined this great thing we've got. But the other day he came
to my place and we made tacos and everything was so
perfect. We were so lost in each other, it was so obvious
that we are in love.
Except for that incident, the trip to Denmark was great.
After the festival we stayed at a hotel for two days and
those are probably the best days of my life. We went
shopping and just walked around, hand in hand. One of the
evenings we went to 'Tivoli'. At first it was cool, with
the rides and stuff. When it got dark, it was so romantic.
We walked around and Ben was so sweet. My baby :)
The festival was a lot of fun too. I saw a lot of great
shows, especially Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Garbage, Travis,
Bob Hund, Kent and Him were great. Rammstein, Manowar and
Nelly Furtado were kind of fun :D
The festival has a really nice atmosphere. At night when we
were a little drunk we walked around hand in hand, looking
at all the weird people and stuff.. Ben told me several
times that he is so much in love with me, he has never felt
this way before. He said 'I just keep falling deeper and
deeper in love every day. I don't know what to do..'
He sounded almost in despair! I was like honey, that's
totally ok, cause I'm so much in love with you too. Oh my
god, I can't believe that he's actually mine, that he
adores me and thinks I'm perfect. As I'm writing this, I
realize how stupid it is of me to be so cranky as I was
earlier. I am the luckiest girl alive!
He said: 'These have been the best days of my life. Thank
you so very much..'
Oh golly gee whiz (hey, do you play sims?:D)

So, it's summer holidays.. Holidays my ass!! I'm working
everyday.. I've got a summerjob at the hotel where my
mother works. Now she's in Portugal, tho. It's an ok job,
it pays pretty well. I need the money, cause Ben and I want
to go to Greece or Spain or something before he leaves.. Oh
my god, he leaves in three weeks!! :((((((((((
I don't know how I'll survive without him.. oh my baby :(

I think I've written just about enough now. I'll try to
update some day soon. Have a nice summer everyone!

Good luck with S* and Tommy, Angel.. I think it's about
time you confront this whole S*-thing. Get the guy or get
him out of your system! I know it's MUCH easier said than
done, but give it a try.. Tommy sounds like a really nice
guy.. But you know, so is Carl.. But I knew in my heart
that Ben and I belong together, so I couldn't fall in love
with Carl even if I wanted to. If you think S* is the one,
then go for it.. Good luck anyway :)