Just a Girl
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2002-07-13 16:38:36 (UTC)

Good run!

So, after staying up until 11:45 talking to Kelsey, I
didn't get to sleep until 1-ish. It was probably later
than that...I just laid there and thought and thought and
thought. It was nice. Kelsey and I didn't hang up until
my cell phone died...I mean, it really ran out of juice
completely, so I have to call her back and say sorry! And
guess what else? I wore his green AB shirt to sleep in. I
thought it was the perfect end to a wonderful evening. I'm
so happy that we could finally have a normal conversation.
The weird part is that the normalcy is coming after I moved
away...a long time after I moved away. Hey-I'm not
complaining, it's just one of those things. I hope that
it's not a once-in-a-blue-moon incidents...I don't think it
will be. I kept asking Kels's opinion of what he thinks of
me now. From the conversation (and the length of the
convo) I have a small idea that he might possibly maybe "be
getting a thing for me" as Kelsey would say. But I don't
want to get my hopes up (oh for god's sake...my hopes are
already up.) Why why why why why does he have to live a
thousand miles away???? Why why why why did I have to move
away? ARGHHHH!!! Things have finally straightened
themselves out between us...oh, it just sucks. I'm keeping
my fingers crossed that we still keep talking and that I
get to see him next summer or whenever I go down next. He
sounds like he wants to see me...

Okay I could honestly go on about that topic forever, but
I'm not going to...(yes, I am). One of the things that he
told me that kinda clued me in to how he might be feeling,
is that he wants to give me a hug. Well, actually he
sounded sad or something, so I said I felt like going over
there and giving him a hug. And he said yea, then maybe i
could enjoy my summer, and then he kept bringing up the hug
and saying i'm gonna hold you to that hug and don't let me
forget and it's just sweet. It really is.

BUT...(yes, there had to be a but)... The insecure part of
me starts to wonder if he would still like me if he saw
me. I mean, I've gained weight...alot, since I moved (b/c
of the stress and all), and I know this is shallow and
unreasonable, but I'm just like that. I worry about stuff
like that. Not as much as I used to. One summer I was
obsessed and I mean obsessed. And I somehow wish that I
could get back to that level so that I would be sure to
know that he liked me...really like the way I looked.
Because I did look good when I was so little. And I know I
shouldn't, but I started thinking about how when we are
going to hug (whenever I see him next) I want to be really
skinny. I want him to notice that I'm really skinny. I
do. It might be the memories of the other girls that he
liked (during the period when I had to pretend that I
didn't like him) how they were so skinny! Seriously, they
were tiny! I guess I just want to get back to how I was.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not an anorexic or anything...you
can tell how from my binges. But I would say that last
summer, I had something. There was something that was
pushing me to run every day and nibble on animal crackers.
And now, I guess... I dunno.

So, this is a really confusing and stream of consciousness
type of entry and you're just gonna have to live with it.
I have a decision to make about whether or not I'm going to
run x-country. And if I had been asked yesterday whether
or not I was going to do it, I would have said no. For the
simple fact that I'm going to be taking all weighted grade
classes and four AP classes at that. So, I didn't want to
have to deal with yet another activity. Now, today, on the
other hand, I'm considering doing it. This may be a
suicidal move, but I'm thinking about it now. I just need
something to feel proud of, ya know?

I got up and went on a really good run (in my opinion) this
morning. Given the fact that I have been doing basically
no training to speak of, I did pretty well. I ABHORE
running in this neighborhood that I live in now, so I ran
straight out of it and down this busy (well, sorta) street,
and I really am no judge of distances, but I ran 3/4 of the
time and walked the rest (i had a stitch in my lung!), and
it was about 36 minutes!

So, in my book, that was all right. I've never run outside
of the neighborhood on my own before. I hate running by
myself, but I need to find that something that pushed me to
run by myself every single day last summer.

Anyway, I'll keep you updated on any further talks!!! And,
just so this is recorded, last night/evening was probably
the happiest so far this summer. :)

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