LadyPathos

Ramblings of the mind.
2002-07-12 08:36:00 (UTC)

Thoughts

My first entry and hopefully not my last. Who is to know if
anyone will read this or if they will not. I guess that is
not truely the point. For those that ever might I'm sorry
if my mind jumps from one thing to another but life is such
a confusing journey how can anyone ever focus on only just
one thing.
It seems I'm trying to lead one path in my life but the
others I see around I cannot ignore so rather then
following this journey true I find myself wandering paths
that only further confuse me and take me from where I
truely wish to be.
One might wonder what I'm talking about even I do at times.
But where I want to be is back with my husband but the
divorce will soon be over. I made choices ones bold in
action but this is not to say they were right but then
again they were not always wrong.
I left my husband, to seperate, to once again find myself
and the happiness I lost so long ago. I was tired of
hearing my soul cry out in pain as more died within myself.
Death seemed an option but my curiousity will never allow
me to make that choice as is good.
I wish to see the world in all its decay to see if once
again humanity will find itself back on the path of
morality and growth. For now all I see is how the world is
falling apart before our very eyes. I am young, 21 to be
exact, so perhaps it is wrong for me to have formed the
opinions I have but I've yet to be proved wrong.
Living in poverty, jobs unable to be obtained, education
only a blissful wish and seeing those around stuck in this
same rut.
I am but one person, I cannot change the world especially
when the world doesn't wish to change. So many people live
in glass bubbles thinking their reality is the only one out
there. They will learn as many have and many will that when
their shelter shatters there is only darkness and truth.
A morbid perception perhaps but it has been the only one
that has seem to prove true for me.
I watch my daughter the few days I get her now, growing up
in this world and I can only pray that by time her bloom
has opened for the world to see its splender that they will
not crush her flower under foot.
I play a game called World of Darkness, why do I play this
game? Why did I let it consum so much of my life? Because
it's reality was more pleasing to the eye then the one I've
had to witness.
Love lost, never to be regained from mistakes made by all
sides. Forgiveness and trust always the issue and wanted by
all sides but who will take the first step to give these
and when that step is taken will it be accepted. By my
experiance no it will not.
The world has been creating its own hell, trying to grasp
to religions who focus on things not always needed. People
try to hold on to the past as life is so short, scared of
mistakes then coming to haunt them now. Weither you are
scared or not they will come, you cannot hide from your
fate to pay for your sins. You may look to the future
though and decide to get past all this and perhaps at least
make a change within your own life.
Fear controls us all weither we want to admit to it or not.
From the school boy that wants to ask a girl out to looking
off the cliff and wondering what it would feel like to fly
free and to die and leave all this pain behind.
Fear is a good thing but it is constraining and must be
broke away from if you ever wish to go further in your life
and to travel past the things trying to block your path.
Do not fear what was, do not fear what could be and never
live in the moment. When you life for the moment you could
essencially destroy anything that you had in the future and
have to travel along a new path.
Do not travel the path most taken, that leads to conformity
and to the glass bubble world.
I must listen to myself, I must understand myself as you
must do the same for yourself.
Listen not to your brain or your heart or even your gut...
for all those are just a smaller part of what is truely
important.. your soul.
The lord helps those that help themselves. Help yourself,
those words were not ment for occupation or the aquiring of
petty items. Rather those words were said for the human
soul. Free yourself from your bindings and let your heart
be lifted of all the weight you've placed upon it.
It is over, it is time to move on. The past is a hurtful
memory but that is all it is.
Find yourself and you'll find your future. Love yourself so
others might love you. Have confidence in your words and
actions but understand that because you have confidence
does not mean you are always right.
These may be ramblings, stated more towards someone reading
but rather they are ramblings to myself. So many
conflicting thoughts, so many hurt feelings. I am tired of
the fight, I wish I could only lay down and be passed on to
my nextlife but I have never been able to give up as much
as I've always wished it so the fight will continue and I
shall only be stronger because of it.
Never regret what you've done but rather look upon it to
see who you are for what happens in your life and how you
choose to go about things will define you as a person.

-Lizzy Ruhe




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