Abstract Soul
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2002-07-12 07:13:25 (UTC)

Sleepless in Texas

...the time is 1:52 am and my love sings to me.

John's words take me to a realm in which I am the only
young woman in the world who is it that a
voice can do this to someone? God, this man gives me
tingles....Oh...John Lennon...he is my other half.

At the moment present I am listening to the song, "Jealous
Guy" anyway....

I cannot sleep.

Has anyone ever encountered a problem as such. I simply
cannot be delivered to that peaceful state. I long for it.
My eyes are begging to surrender, yet my body prevails.

I have NO energy...I don't understand why it is that I am
still moving. I have not slept in four days and before
that...only two to three to four hours a night. I took a
road trip today and I was worn I wanted to
die...and I am...full awake.

And what is worse is that my paranoia has set in.

Paranoia you ask?

Well..I have this embarrassing and very absurd fear...
Roaches...I can't..I can't think of them...I can't
visualize them...I don't even like the we will
call them "unwelcomed bugs".

Anyway...I recently had an encounter with three of them. I will admit to you 99% of the tears that I shed
are due to emotional pains and the tortures of my
soul...but the other 1% is reserved
specifically for these unwelcomed bugs.

I cry because I am hurt emotionally and because I am in
contact with an unwelcomed bug.

God, three..THREE of them were surrounding me today and I
felt like dying....tears just poured and I felt as if my
body was going to give and I was going to faint.

Okay, I am sixteen and should be more mature about this whole thing,
but god..I am hopeless...anyway, I survived anyhow...but with very
insecure results. I feel as if anything that is moving and is
something that I cannot see directly is, in fact, a cockroach.

Ugh...look at that word...doesn't it just scare you to bits
just looking at it?

I don't understand why they scare me so...but they do.
I cannot sleep right now and I KNOW that I will encounter
one sometime tonight. It has recently been raining a lot
here where I live and for some odd reason...they are taking
shelter (at night) in my closet and in various spaces in my
home...I am almost thinking about going to go stay with my
grandmother. I just wish that this season were over.

I seriously feel like crying because now I have to go to the
living room because I cannot be in this room any longer...I
am getting THAT feeling...but anyway....please...say a
small wish for me to not come into any form of contact with
these hideous beasts. Thank you.

What a strange topic to write about, yes I know, but lately
this has been consuming all of my feelings and mind...that
not much else besides my lack of sleep has had any affect
on me. Well...I shall say farewell now and Run to my bed
and try to sleep away this craziness.