Life as I know it.
2001-06-29 08:37:45 (UTC)

You do it to yourself

Jen came over today to visit, she is my old roommate, she
got Mono and had to move out, which sucks cause she and I
were teh best roommates. I miss her a lot. We were
friends in highschool and the such but not that close but
when we moved in together last may we were like the bestest
friends you could have ever hoped to find. We just sat on
the balcony for old times sake today, smoked a few bowls,
chatted up our neighbor, actually he is the only neighbor
to have lived in our apt community thing as long as I have,
so it was like a lil reunion. It jsut sucked cause all she
wanted to know who Matt was, like what he looked like. I
kick myself all the time for not letting him meet my
friends cause they all wanted to meet the guy who changed
this man hater (I have my reasons) to me, this love sick
fool. And no I didnt let him meet my friends, again, fear
cause I wasnt sure if we would last and didnt want to bring
him in to the bitterness of my friends....yeah most of my
friends are bitter towards love and we all hate eachothers
ex's.....we're immature like that but it is supportive

After Jen left I went down to heather's where i should
basically be living. Chilled there all night. I love
heather for the fact that we can just sit there and not be
annoyed with eachother, we're both laid back, we're so
similar and disimilar at the same times. She is also the
third of my lil group of me, Lindsay and Heather. We're
just chill people. All different yet all so similar.
That's why these two girls are my closest friends. Plus we
all have drama's in our lives which supply much
conversation. Just sucks that Lindsay wont be living in my
building til Sept=0( But then once again the trilogy will
be back.

So I came back up here and as usual I leave my AOL Im
thingy up, but with an away message. Matt im'd me about
five hours ago. Just to say hi. Boy confuses me a whole
lot, frustrates me and the such--and its for the pure fact
that I love him so much but still cant figure him out. We
thought we knew eachother so well but then sometimes we're
just shady to eachother. Yeah our relationship (cause
eventho we arent dating eachother we still hve this friend
type thing going on) is pretty dysfunctional......when its
good its the best thing on earth, when its bad it soooooo
fucking bad. But it hardly ever is bad. And strange thing
is I know what he is thinking, and he knows what im
thinking....which is a reason im scared.

God I hope he never reads this, or if he does ever read
this he wont let me know cause what im gonna write right
now can seriously fuck me over.

I think he knows that as long as he says he loves me and
isnt with anyone that I'll sleep with him. I think he
knows the reasons im sleeping with him too, the most
obvious that its nice to sleep with someone you love, it's
fun andall, and the third part which is the part I hope he
isnt thinking about....I seriously think that by sleeping
with him I can salvage something out of this relationship.
Everyone has their angles on situations this is mine point

I sleep with him, he thinks at first "yeah steady stream of
sex" then I hope he realizes that he still does love me
(which he does say but i hope this really knocks it into
his noggin), will attempt to date me somewhat seriously
again, we build on the good parts of our old relationship,
get to know eachother as people, and eventually have a
fucking awsome relationship. That's what I want. But I
also know the downside of what could be going on:

He said all that stuff while he was drunk cause he did mean
it (seriously he doesnt say things that he doesnt mean) but
is lonley and that is what brought it all out, he is
looking for other options but still isnt over me yet and
figures while he is trying to sort out his feelings and in
between meeting women decides that having sex with me could
be fun and if he changes his mind about finding someone
else he will still have me, we will keep having sex without
trying to sort out all the issues we had in the past, in
this time he is still trying to meet women...eventually
meets someone who could possibly be better than I could
ever be, he sleeps with me still just to make sure before
he sleeps with her, sleeps with her, tells me that we have
to stop sleeping together cause he is majorly into htis
other girl, he lives happily ever after. I feel cheap and
used and then I start sleeping around trying to forget
him. This would be the worst case scenario, I would hate
him, but still not hate him enough to never talk to him
again so when he breaks up with this girl I would sleep
with him again if I wasnt in a relationship. Cause Im
sometimes dumb like that. But thankfully at this time and
date its only a scenario.

I wish Matt lived alone sometimes, just so I can call him
without fear of getting his roommte on the phone, it would
be akward. I sometimes just need to hear his voice to make
thigns feel like they'll be okay. He never felt like I
did, but I leaned on him a lot...he was my reassurance that
life does go on and sometimes thigns turn out a lot
different than what you expect but it necessarily isnt a
bad thing. That dork, I still love him...

And im a horrible horrible person. Alan is moving away
from Pittsburgh forever on July 10th, he called me up
tonight to hang out at his place and drink. I said id call
him back, but never did. Im bad at thigns like that. I
dont want him to think im dissing him or anything, its just
that its hot and I dont want to drink when its hot and i
sometimes enjoy being lazy and dont feel like walking the
15 minutes it takes to get to his house. And if i said all
this he probably would think im lying, which Im not, its
just that sometiems my truthfulness seems more liked lies.
Again im just fucked up like that.

I also was thinking about how much I have changed since
highschool...lookwise not at all....i still look exactly
the same as I did when i was 16 and in two months i turn
22. I've changed as a person, I grew up, became a lot more
cynical but more trusting. What a contradcition I know.
Im also not lacking major common sense like i was in
highschool....i got busted for drug possession and was
almost expelled from my highschool.....now what am I? I do
a lot less drugs, Im pretty well adjusted, I think before I
act now, I have above a 3.0 qpa, I have my own apt (still
unemployed but working on that sitch), and im basically an
adult. Its a scary thing sometimes to realize that im only
21 and im doing all this shit on my own. It's also scary
to think that in 5 and a half months I will be a college
graduate too=0( Must stop thinking and start sleeping.
Goodnight all.

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