KarelessKitten

Paradox
Ad 0:
2002-07-11 22:03:04 (UTC)

Wow

It's been about a year. I'm sry to all those that actually
read my diary, which is prolly no one. hehe. I just got
back from playing tennis with my mom. We were swinging all
over the place. It was fun. Need to do that more often.
I've had a fair amount of bfs from last year. I got back
together with Ben, my first love, but then he was going
through a really hard time and we lost contact. I was
devastated when I finally did talk to him. He wanted to
get with his friend, Christine. Erg, I was miserable for
like 2 months. It took me a long time to get over him. I
don't even know if I am truly over him to this very day
even though I've moved on. Anyhow, he broke up with me
about mid-July last year and I rebounded with this guy I
met in Cape May, NJ named George. He was a real sweetie.
He had the most beautiful hazel eyes. He came down from
PA, where he lives, to stay the night. That was alot of
fun. I fell asleep in his arms. Nothing else except maybe
a few kisses and some touching but nothing hot and heavy.
I promised that I would go to Prom with him but within 3
months of our relationship, we broke up. I just realized
that I can't do this anymore. I couldn't play him
anymore. Throughout the school year, I was single sorta.
I saw Dennis a couple of times. I kinda got involved with
Jason, an online friend, again. That didn't last very long
cuz he used me. Then in the end of December, I met this
amazing guy online on Teen Matchmaker. His name was Tom.
At first he was really sweet, we talked all the time and
got to know each other really well. Soon we decided to
meet. Our first date we went out to eat and then to this
pond nearby and walked around even though it was like
February. It was great though. We had great chemistry. I
was totally in love with him and he absolutely cherished
me. Anyhow, after Tom came back from college visits the
relationship became sort of...abusive. Verbally. He
berated me all the time because I wasn't in peak condition
like him cuz he runs track. Erg, despite it, I gritted my
teeth and I went to his Prom. That night he made the
biggest mistake ever when he said "I think of us as friends
with benefits". I completely lost it and the next day I
left in tears. Soon after I broke up with him. I just
didn't and couldn't love him the way I did b4
he...changed. The relationship lasted exactly 3 months.
Again, I'm cursed. I absolutely cannot make it past 3
months. I don't know why. I was an absolute mess though.
I had made myself vulnerable to him, not physically, never
that but emotionally cuz I loved him so much. I shared my
poems with him. Soon after all this hurt and pain turned
into pure hatred for how he treated me. I was so sweet to
him. We never fought. I never lost my temper. I didn't
want to lose him. During the aftermath, Jill got together
with this really amazing guy, Wesley. He was the best
thing for her. He came over alot but there was this one
night, they were making out on the floor. I didn't want to
watch so I went online to find this email from this guy.
He sounded really awesome. I was excited cuz he was really
sweet, didn't discriminate, cute, nonconformist, and loved
music. Music is his life. He was just everything I wanted
in a man. So I emailed him back and we started talking on
the phone. We were really comfortable. Even though I'm
shy, I talked a bit but he would just talk and I'd absorb
the sound of his voice and listen to every word uttered.
He was fascinating. Even though he smokes and drinks(my
pet peeves), I didn't mind. He was totally a sweetheart.
I talked about Tom to him telling him about how miserable I
was feeling, we'd talk, and the pain lessened. I became
entranced by him. So one day, he sent to my house a dozen
long stem red roses in a vase with a teddy bear attached
and this note that brought me to tears. I knew in that
very moment that this guy would treat me right. It wasn't
the flowers or the teddy bear that made me realize I loved
him. It was the gesture. Even though I had feelings for
him b4 the surprise, I didn't know if he felt the same
way. That very night, we became boyfriend and girlfriend.
Now for a lil background info, he's in the marines, 21, and
lives in Maryland but he is stationed at Camp Lejuene, NC.
So it wasn't easy accepting this. The last thing I needed
was another long distance relationship but somehow, it
worked. Everyday I would learn something new about him.
We just got to know each other so well. We told our
innermost secrets to each other. God, Tim had been through
so much shit....drugs, friends dying, his father having a
heart attack. Even still when I look into his eyes its
hard cuz I see and feel that pain he bears on his soul.
I'm just happy that I bring joy into his life. When I'm
with him, love just...emanates from him. Now I know I
sound corny but with him, its not just physical; it's
emotional and spiritual. To be quite honest, I see a
future with him. Just last week on July 4th, we were
driving back from where he lives. I was sitting very close
to him and he had his arm around me. He looked into my
eyes, kissed me gently on the lips, and said "baby, will
you marry me?". I was completely blown but for some
reason, I didn't have any qualms. So I looked into his
eyes again to see if he was just joking or if he was
serious and I smiled and said "yes, I'd love to marry
you." I know, I know. I'm too young but we just...click
and I know this relationship is going to last longer than 3
months. In 4 days, we will have our 2 month anniversary.
I think if I don't pay attention to that kind of thing.
The months will just fly and even still my love won't
waver. Sure, I will be busy with senior year and
everything but I will take a lil time out of my day to
write him an email, or a letter, or to talk to him through
IMs or on the phone. I won't let time be against us. Its
going to be so hard with the amount of schoolwork but I am
truly devoted to him and this beautiful relationship we
have. Anyhow, I have work to do and its almost
dinnertime. My next entry will hopefully not be so much
about my bish(what I call my bf, it's short for "bishounen"
which is japanese for "pretty boy"). I mean, I do have a
life outside of our relationship. Erg, sry, its been so
long since I've written. I have a DeadJournal so that
keeps me kinda busy. I will try my best to keep updating
this one though. I like the seclusiveness of this diary.
No one in their right mind would read it. hehe. I must be
off though. My mom needs to use the phone.


Ad:0
Digital Ocean
Providing developers and businesses with a reliable, easy-to-use cloud computing platform of virtual servers (Droplets), object storage ( Spaces), and more.