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2001-06-29 08:31:07 (UTC)

The Era of Awesomeness

June 29, 2001
4:00 in the morn

It's been a dark day today and it's made me question my
existence. I know alot of people do question it from time
to time but it's been happening with me pretty often. I've
been through so much in the short time i've been in this
world and it's made the short time seem like it's been so
long. Has it been long or am I just wanting to see what's
on the other side? I've always feared and questioned death.
Is this what's making it drag on? I feel like the only
person I can relate to right now is Peggy. Maybe I can go
talk to her. See how she is doing. I don't want to get in
rachels way though. I've found in the last few days that I
love rachel more then I even thought I did. I really think
I could happily be with her. I still yern for exceptance
from others though which scares me. I don't want to ever
hurt rachel agin. Should I stay away from her for her own
good? Should I try to talk to her about how much I love
her? Then there's inzie. What to do about that whole
situation? I care about her but it's almost more of a
sisterly thing. I love her to death but not like I do
rachel. How do I make that all work? I still care about
liz. Not what's there now but what was. I want to turn it
off. What does sex mean to you? It means alot to me. Much
more then most men. It's never just a "good time". Why must
I feel like a female orgasming is exceptance? I make
someone feel good so I in-turn feel good. That's sick. I
want to change that. I want to wake up and feel good for
once. Black is all I see...so this is how it feels to be
free? If you where god we'd all be wise men but if I where
god we'd all just be wise...