Cute Chaos

2002-07-11 20:33:48 (UTC)

Broken Heart

Nothing much has been happening the last few days. I have
been busy babysitting. I am cutting a deal with my brother
Chris. I want him to help my baby-sit Cody so that I have
more time for the other 2 kids. This will also give him so
experience with kids. I am going to split my pay with him
65% to 35%. Cody listens so well to Chris because Chris is
able to give him full attention. Friday I am going to be
baby sitting from 8:30 am until about 11 pm. It is going to
be crazy. But I will make a lot of money.

Speaking of money... I have come up with my $200 dollars
for the STD testing. I don't know if I can ask John for
money though. I know he raped me and he is the reason I
have to get tested but I still feel so bad asking for
money. I never liked doing it. I wish I could just go
shopping and spend it all on clothes. Korrie told me that
if I did not ask for the money than she was going to. Tony
offered to take me to Planned Parenthood. I think it was
really sweet of him but I don't want him to see me crying.
I think I am going to have Amber take me. She will be able
to help me the most. I don't want to burden Shari with
taking me because of the drive out to get me and then back
into town. All I can say is that I need to go soon. But I
have to talk with Amber to see if she can take me. I will
get and get information later today. I am still really
pissed about the walk-ins and abortion clinic. We drove all
around town trying to find the place and when we got a hold
of them they told me the doctor was out of town... What

Tony came over yesterday. I am really happy I got to see
him before he left for camping today. We had a great time
when he was over. Watched a movie... got ice cream and just
hung out! It was greatÂ… I felt like nothing matter but just
being there with him. Although we both still ended up in
shitty moods because of our phone conversation. I really
hoped it helped him to talk with me about his problems. I
know it helps me understand him better. I just tried so
hard to reassure him that there is an answer to help him
and that I would never hurt him like others have. I don't
know how much he believes me though. I am going to do
anything I can to help him. I was getting upset though
because he told me about cutting. I made him promise but I
know that there is nothing I can do to stop him. I wish
there was. I also wish I could take all of his pain away.
Just knowing that he is happy puts me in such a great mood
but the fact that he has this deep pain nagging at him all
of the time makes me upset. He asked me out... He knew that
I would say yes. But I felt my heart shatter into a million
pieces after he told me it would not work because of how
far apart we were and that football would give him no time
to see me. I am still going to like him just as much.
Reality sucks I know... and I understand his point of view.
I agree a relationship over the phone SUCKS although it
still hurts. I feel really bad because he was crying and I
could not just get up and go over there. I wanted to hug
him so bad and tell him everything is going to be fine...
but it is not. He and I both know that. I am going to miss
him so much. I hope that he will be able to come over when
he gets back. I really want to be able to see him before he
leaves for Arizona. I did not want to let him go last
night. I feel like I am going to PUKE! It is so hard for me
to suck it up and take the fact that I won't get to see him
much. I hope he has fun up north though. I really hope that
I did not ruin his trip either because of last night.

I was so happy that I got to talk with Jessi last night. I
don't want her to be hurt because of what Jon did to her. I
know she is going to be though. I just want her to know
that I will be there for her to talk with. And she will
always have a shoulder to cry on... Jessi is like my best
friend. I feel like I can tell her anything, and thank god
for that otherwise I would probably bust.

My head is going crazy and I feel sick so I think I am

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