2002-07-11 20:21:53 (UTC)


Well, Karoline left last night to Champaigne, and won't be
back till a few days later. I don't have very many friends
like her near by. Those that I have, and are willing and
able to get to me, I don't feel quite as comfortable with.

For example: Aiondria. I don't mean to be mean when I say
this, but I guess it's true. She doesn't wanna do anything!
Yes, she's overweight but come on! She won't even sit on
She is extremely funny. When I first met her, I couldn't
stop laughing, and it hurt so bad to keep going. Now her
jokes are a little more worn out.
I mean, come on, how many times can I go with her
somewhere, and when our plans don't happen, plan B is
always, let's eat. She walks so slow, and often pauses once
or twice in pointless places that only kill time.
(Like, "let's go to the gas station and get some candy or
something.) She's up for food, but not nature.
That's why I'm not very fond of hanging out with her
Oh, and one other thing. Every one of my friends can think
up of reasonable excuses/lies for my parents. SHE CAN'T!!!
This is not to just get me out of trouble and I wouldn't
have to think about it, but it shows how much she can
really see from my perspective. And that's not very much.
For example: My mom would not except the excuse: "Tell her
you just met up with some of your girls and you're gonna
hang out." First off, I don't have girls. Secondly, my mom
needs to know what do I mean by hanging out. Where would I
be, who are these people, what will we be doing. (If we're
doing something like going to the mall, or buying coffee;
when we started out from a movie theater that is not
surrounded by any of those type of places, then how will we
get there. Also, do I have the cash for this?
If we're going to eat, or for coffee, it's only logical
that I need money, and I don't have it.)
Sorry, there are just so many little things about her that
bother me. (Also, you know how kids have little nicknames
their parents and relatives call them when they're little,
well, she is holding on strong to hers. I understand that
alot of people keep in touch with their inner child, but
how many keep in touch with the inner BABY?!) Okay I'm done.

On the other hand, Justyna and I are... let's just say,
from different parts of Poland. She's from the mountains,
and I'm from the center, (the capital.) She has that kind
of farm attitude, where she is so involved, carrying, and
responcible. I on the other hand am not like where she's
from. She is very talkative. But there is never anything
the two of us have to talk about. I mean, how many times
can you ask: "So how's everything?" and get the
reply: "Everything's fine." Then I ask her the same thing,
she answers the same thing, and other then that, there is
nothing in our conversation. She's a great person, we just
have nothing in common. Also she's much into those
superficial things. Make-up, mini's, tanning salon, and
clubbing. The best part about her is that her and her
friends don't smoke or drink. Their just into good old
fashioned fun, or any fun for that matter, but sober.
Justyna is also extremely smart. She is 18, gonna be a
senior at Steinmentz, and is in a college excel program.
For all of her electives, she has been going to two
different colleges and earning college credits. Let me
remind you that she is starting her Senior year, with 5
college credits done already. Wow. Oh yeah, she's also
kinda boy crazy. But more like in a bad way. The last guy
she liked went to my school. I knew him in 4th grade, but
we were never really friends, and I hardly ever see him at
Lane. She keeps trying to pump me for information whether
he has a girlfriend or not. How does he act around girls,
what kind of girls does he like, how was he when we were in
the same class together. (She persists with these questions
and more whenever we have a pause in our conversation. How
annoying is that?) How am I suppose to know these
questions? I hardly see the guy, and I haven't talked to
him for years. About things I did see him do, how am I
suppose to remember them? Shish. I can't even remember why
I was bored yesterday!!!

Other then that, there is Kathy, in which I hardly ever
hang out with anymore, and am in constant secret
competition. I'm not very fond of her. Her and her friends.
She has her own little squad that I do not wish to be part
of, or hang out with. Unless I am truly desprate. (Although
they were the first ones to call me dude:( They're kinda
like the dork squad to me. They became like that ever since
I had lunch with most of them, and they had a choice
between struggling to do your homework outside in the wind,
or play volleyball. I was failing two classes and I still
played. Their not cooky at all! They're very still people.
I see them now as wall flowers. There's alot going on, and
they just stand there watching. Making their own comments.
Judging those that are having SOME fun. (God do I miss my
old gang.)

My lunch crew was cool. They were like the above crew but
more cooky, funny, caring, mature, willing/and able, open
to new ideas, they know and appreciate that which is REALLY
worth something in life, Although, no matter how much cooler they
were, they don't live close. Transport they do have often,
but, though we met always for lunch, we never met
afterschool, or outside of the school for that matter. Once
I was gonna go with one of the Alina's to the movies to see
some spin off of Macbeth, and once I was gonna go with her
and some other of our mutual friends to downtown for Amras
birthday. None of those worked out and as usual I was
dissapointed. We never called each other, and we never did
plan it out to thouroughly. All thouse plans crashed. Once
I went with the other Alina to a party with her friends.
But there was harldy anyone there at the party, and her
friends smoked. YUCK!!!

Our division crew was suppose to meet at Eric's barbeque.
Feather head didn't come. (Teresa, I'll explain that
nickname later, he is of little importance.) I
came, Eric hosted, Kathy and her squad was there ofcourse.
That squad never meets outside of the school.

Also, two other groups that make me uncomfortable to
surround myself with: 1. The couples. I don't feel like
being left out for a guy, and I don't know what to do while
they are having their little moments. I don't wanna be a
spare wheel. 2. Those who already have their own clan, and
are not likely to accept new comers to their group. (Some
might, but still, they have their own ways already built. I
don't wanna get in the middle of any of that.) I just don't
fit in with these groups.

I do have alot of friends. I'm not gonna list anymore of
them, or anymore groups, cause I see now that the theme in
them all is the same. I have alot of friends inside the
school, but it never gets past that. I don't know how I can
do that. I don't think the kind of friends I do have are
worth the trouble to hang out with. I don't think we would
have any fun. Or even if we do, it's gonna be kinda
artificial and forced. The kind where I feel I have nothing
better to do so why not.

I can't stand this. The kind of people I acquaint are
either, too out there for me, or way to low for me. I want
some in the middle friends, but I can't find them. I was
talking about this to these two chicks during Eric's party.
(They thought alot of the people invited were dorks. I must
admit they were kinda stuck on the sci-fi channel, but I
wouldn't start this American ignorence, and name calling.)
Later on they said that they have the same problem. They
can't find in the middle people, though they are in the
middle. They're not my kind of in the middle. I don't think
so atleast. I think they're a little too artificial. I
guess I need to surround my self with people that love
nature as much as I, but not to be obsessed with it. That
would be being in over my head.

Karoline is the best, most normal friend I have so far
here. She's the only one I can talk to for 4 hours about a
heavy topic or more. Or drink some coffee with. Bad thing
is, she's gonna be going to a far away college. I'll try to
visit her though, and stay at her dorm. It's like 5 hours
away. But still in Chicago. (U of I) She's gonna be
studying to be a doctor. Great, I lost touch with all my
friends except my best one, and I'm gonna prabobly feel
very bad when this one goes away in a month. :(

NEWS FLASH: Teresa, I just got your letter delivered to me
now. I just read it, and almost cried. Are you really
coming back this year? I don't recal what exactly you told
me before. I just know that you're interested in coming
back for college.

I lost my train of thought and have been writing for about
an hour, when this was suppose to end up one sentance or
so. Although I did explain more or less, why I don't like
my friends leaving me, and why sometimes when I'm bored out
of my mind, I feel like doing something stupid, but instead
end up getting depressed. Maybe this is why. Maybe this way
you understand the dilema of my relationships which I
didn't understand until now.

Well here I go writing more then I thought I would. I'll go
bore myself, in waiting for school this monday. (God, I'm
so nervous.) Since I have nothing better to do. Toodles!!!


P.S. Thanks for the card, and the wonderful poem. It came
just in time when I was writing all this deppresing stuff,
and believe it or not, it cheered me up. Thanks. It's a
great poem.