marinabreeze

as the Oval turns
2001-06-29 06:05:41 (UTC)

reciprocity, please

Song of the season: All or Nothing - O-Town

Frustration breeds anger, anger breeds contempt. Well, I
know that lately I've been venting, big time. I understand
that it's my friend's loss to preclude me from ever being
potentially his girlfriend, and as vindictive as it sounds,
I wish that he felt it. I wish that he would be
continually reminded in his heart of hearts that he missed
out on a good thing. I'm not saying that I'm the greatest
woman that ever lived in life. However, I know that I do
have a lot going for myself. I'm beautiful, unique, smart,
I have varied interests, I actually do care about people, I
have a crazy sense of humor, and the most important thing
is that I really love the Lord. And it's funny how my
friend knows these things but it doesn't make a
difference. I think that it's cool that he recognizes some
of these traits in me, and he gives me more credit than I
give myself sometimes. But it's like he won't date me
because I don't look the way he'd like me to, as if God
screwed up on making my body...well, actually, the reason
why he won't date me has always been a fuzzy, obscure
thing. My freshman year, it was supposedly b/c of the way
I look. Then, this past year, it was b/c I did certain
things that made him feel uncomfortable. Now, I'm not sure
b/c recently we had Talk #577 and he said I didn't annoy
him, so I'm not sure. Then last night he made the comment
about the Asian girls, which seemed to indicate to me that
b/c I'm not Asian I don't have a chance in the world of
being his girl. My friend from Cinci (female friend) said
that maybe it's a phase he's going through in life and it
doesn't mean that he doesn't like me. But if he liked me,
he wouldn't make a comment like that. It's like a dude
telling a girl he likes that he wants to hook up with
someone else. At the best, it's playing games; at the
worst it's sheer foolishness. I would think that 'ole boy
would be smarter than that, and I give him more credit than
that. But whatever...I just hope he'll feel deep inside
his scarlet and gray heart that he lost a chance for
something special b/c of his own ignorance.
Earlier, a bunch of us went to Gameworks, it was Ladies'
Night, women come in free and play games free until 11pm.
It wasn't bad, it sort of got my mind off of him for a
while.
I guess I'm also getting a lot of negativity out of my
head. Sometimes people can speak awful things over your
life. People can tell you that you're a golddigger, with
an attitude and no potential b/c you're a black woman, and
your own men flock to other races b/c you're not cute
enough or good enough. Then, just on your own, you're told
you're ugly b/c you're overweight or because your feet turn
outward. Or that you look weird b/c you're black with fair
skin, red hair and freckles. And because of all of this no
one will ever like you. And you're first "puppy love"
tells you when you're 11 that you won't find anyone else
that'll like you, and you think that he's talking b.s.,
until afterwards, when you get dudes that dog you out b/c
they think you're not cute enough or popular enough to be
their arm ornaments. You've been humiliated in front of
people and treated like you deserve all of it, and no one
stops to try to get to know who you are as a person, b/c
they can't get past your appearance. And you've met dudes
that seem like awesome potential friends until they find
out you like them and then they want to treat you like
sh**. And you don't date again until you're almost 18
years old, and you're with some dude that does every drug
created, cheats on you constantly, and tells you the same
thing your last bf told you 7 years before. And this time
you believe it, and you hold on b/c that's all you think
you'll ever get. Then Jesus comes on the scene and gives
you some sense of hope, something that you've never had.
And you let go of that crappy boyfriend b/c God says so.
And you meet someone that seems so much better than you
could ever imagine, and again it's the same old thing, but
it's not b/c the dude actually takes an interest in getting
to know you. It's cool but you're put into a totally
different category, so you think, the "just a friend and
nothing else in the world" category. And you don't like
the dude for the looks; it's for who he is...and you wish
that you could get some type of reciprocity...
And then Satan wants you to remember everything everyone
said about you, all the foul lies that people have spoken
over my life, basically saying that you're ugly and for one
reason or another you're never have a man, and you try to
understand how someone who claims to be your friend thinks
you're ugly as hell, how does that work? And God has
promised that things will come together, and that you'll
finally get that reciprocity, and right now all you can do
is rebuke the lies of Satan and remember that no matter how
horrible things look now, that the Lord has His Hand in it,
and just have faith that He can fix it, the trust that He
will do it, and the hope that it'll all work out in His
timing. He says soon, and I do know that His brand
of "soon" is different than mine, but all I can do is
believe...