livelearnlisten

these are the days i remember..

these are the days i remember why i keep a journal. brain
is too slow at processing information and writing it out
helps. now if i could only stop chatting with people
online... oye. i hate to snuff my dad but i really want to
put up an away message...

let's see if i can do this with interruptions anyway. i'll
probably wind up pissing people off by not answering ims,
but o well.

for some reason i'm pissed at my boyfriend. first, i'm not
sure i'm doing him a favor by telling him i love him. i
don't know if it's right. in fact, i know it's not right.
i've been told by many people many times that it's just
plain said there in the bible, second corinthians chapter
six. do not be unequally yoked. and yet i'm trying to do
that. stupid, aren't i? i think i love him, but then again,
what do i know about love? is it stupid to be doing this
all, keeping on, just because i want to? NO. no no no no no
no no no no no. not what i want. it's not about me. IT'S
NOT ABOUT WHAT I WANT.

damnit. i don't want to hurt him. i don't want to hurt me.
i hate hurting people. God...

second, he doesn't talk with me. by any means. i email him,
i usually get a reply back. tonight it pissed me, just
pushed the rocker that he didn't. i spend at least an hour
each night staying up late til the morning to write to him.
i feel it is important. i've trusted him, and damnit, i
wish he'd trust me. i feel like he doesn't care. he called
me tonight, told me i could talk to him later on. so i get
on the computer and he has to get off. to watch the tv.
damnit. i can understand that. no. i can't. i work and he
doesn't. he has all freaking day to say five words to me. i
don't give a damn if all he's about to say in an email
is "i was thinking of you." and all he said to me today on
the phone was purely for informational purposes. that's all
we ever seem to talk about with any seriousness. getting
together. what's the point? i mean, if we can't even
talk... that's why i feel like this is all just crap. just
another piece of shit to throw on my pile of stuff i don't
want to mess with. stuff that i don't fucking need.
goodness do i hate having to live with other people.
goodness do i love people. i'm so fucked up, yes? :cynical
smile:

o my goodness. i feel like just canceling on him tomorrow.
i know we've been planning to go to this freaking symphony
for a million years, but that's also been holding me back
from saying some things i need to say. like that i've
thought a couple of times "goodness, do i have to stay with
him til then?" and that made me think i was being
unfaithful. well damnit i am! i'm being unfaithful to me
and my life. i pour so much damn energy and love into this
and it's like a black hole. a fucking black hole. :crazy
laughter:

amazing. quite simply amazing. just like the book. black
holes...

now i know. nik. that's what it's called. that's what it's
all about. knowing. what do i know? i know what it's like
to live a life. not a particularly pleasant one, but not an
unpleasant one either. what have i learned from this? i
don't know. wait. i do know. i have learned that love feels
like bliss and hate hurts. i've learned that suffering is
something that i can cause myself and that pain is nothing
i can stop. i've learned that boyfriends are great in
theory, but don't work in practice. like communism.

goodness. something we seemed to fight over like mad. the
difference between ideals and reality.

he lives in this moment. screw anything else, it's about
the now. well, you know what? this is just a waiting room,
a waiting room a waiting for Your love...

the amazing thing about this is that i'm completely calm.
falling apart without doing so. how nice. i feel blessed.
the depression or cruel reality has decided to be kind and
wait for a better moment to hit me.

*pause while talks to friend*

thank you mike. made me smile. you're such a good friend to
me.

i think that's all for now. i feel drained, at peace. i got
stuff out there. i could talk about how horrible it is to
inflict such pain of love on others, but i think that's for
another time, and that most people know that.

:sigh: if only we'd stop killing people with love

living learning listening loving hurting