Lost and Searching
2002-07-11 04:57:26 (UTC)

Long Nights

When I was little I used to believe that there was never
enough hours in the night for me to sleep....or maybe i
should of had gotten to bed earlier....Now i know that
nighttime is the longest part of the i laid in
bed this evening trying everything to get myself to sleep
all i could think about is how lonely my bed has
pillows every where b/c the feel of sleeping with something
kinda helps me through the night.....Tonight i can't help
but think how my grandmother can sleep in the same bed
where she and my grandfather shared for so long before he
just passed away the smell of him still in
the pillow, who does she reach for at night, when she is
scared, or needs a reassuring hand......I don't know if i
can find it in myself to find someone like that, and then
end up leaving them before we were ready.......

Which is what caused the latest rift between oscar and i we
had been friends for the longest time, and finally the
other day i had been extremely busy working at the pool,
extra swimming lessons, and playing softball, not to
mention picking up the extra chores now that my uncle is
dying in the was just getting to be to much
for me......i kept telling myself that just one more day,
if i got through today then i could rest tomorrow, but it
never finally i made myself go home and try
to take nap, unfortunately, it was midnight, and oscar came
to my house b/c i was sleeping so deeply that i didn't hear
my phone ring, so he came over just to make sure i was
alright....he is one of those friends you could sleep with
and do nothing at all, just the act of being held was the
greatest comfort of it all.....which is kinda ironic b/c he
was trying to hold me when i woke up from my nap.....i had
such huge bags underneath my eyes, that i knew i wasn't a
pretty sight....he told me that if i didn't slow down i
would end up getting mono...i laughed at him in is face, it
would be funny to get mono now when i have something far
worse...He told me it wasn't funny that he didn't want to
see me sick, and that is when the tears started to fall, i
told him that if he didn't want to see me sick then he
better leave bc i am already sick and dying.....just like
jake he got that look on his face, like i was lying and he
couldn't believe me.....God,why couldn't there be an easier
way to tell someone that you are dying......and the worse
part of it, was when he slipped his arms away from
me....the feelings i felt were like everyone i touched or
got close with, are leaving me......why does god make life
so wonderful but then takes it away from us