The Shadow of Myself
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2002-07-11 03:36:36 (UTC)


Sometimes you like a person so much that it hurts and then
it hurts even worse when you realize that maybe it's not
the right time for anything to happen. So you work really
hard on trying to be ok with the realization that now is
not the time. All the while things happen that make you
want to resort to your old ways and it takes SO much energy
to keep your feelings back. That's what I'm doing. I'm
trying to be careful, so very careful b/c I've already
fallen so hard and it really hurt soo bad.

You know it's got to be bad when little things can make me
start to fall again. Seriously, I tell myself all kinds of
things trying to make me not feel like I do deep down.
It's probably one of the most unfair things.

I just wish that people would think about how the things
they say will affect the person that is listening. You
shouldn't try to play games b/c it really really is well..
it's painful to me. I don't know if I should be ok and let
myself go or if I need to keep protecting myself. And
possibly even increase the protection.

I'm so scared. I don't know what to do or what to say. I
don't know, but it's the most real feeling that just
totally comes back to me when something like this happens.
And while it feels good to let it out.. it's also
incredibly scary b/c I know the potential hurt that can
come from it. The uncertainy is so hard to deal with.. it
just is so hard...

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