Wildthing1983

Me and More
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2002-07-11 03:33:30 (UTC)

I'm never going to get someone.

Dear Diary,

*sigh* I think I'm even more depressed than before. Today a
really cute, intellegent, poliet guy came to mow our lawn.
I finally get enough courage to go out and make small talk,
well Tabitha was mostly asking questions. I thought, "ok
heather, maybe you have a chance." Well, I don't. Great
guys come my way, and they either don't want me, don't feel
the same way, or already taken. Why must all guys I like be
that way?!

I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of crying at
night. I'm tired of everything. I can't just give up, I
know I say I do. But I can't. Well on life. It's just not
me. About the only thing I've given up on is Brett. I don't
think we'll ever meet or even date. I'm a great girl to be
with, but no one will take me. No one.

I should have the word "loser" tatooed on my forehead. I
really should. Tabitha has got some she loves, Michelle
does, Mariann does. But me? Oh no, Heather must have all
the heartach, the loneliness, the shitty guys. God, my
heart hurts. I feel like stabbing myself to create another
pain so I can't feel the pain in my heart. I've gotten to
the point were I hate going out because I hate seeing
couples. I really do. My depression has gotten so bad, I'm
tired all the time now. I don't have the energy to do what
needs to be done. I'm always in a bad mood.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who to
talk to. No one can make me feel better. Even when I talk
to my friends I find myself hiding how I really feel. Like
last night, I talked to Brett on the phone and even though
I was laughing, I was crying inside. The things he said
were funny, but the happiness was never there, if you know
what I mean. I think the only person who really truely
understands is Michelle. It's like she's been inside my
soul. Only because she's been here before, even worse. I
miss talking to her. :-( She's the one friend that I felt
connected to. Maybe because we both share the same illness,
maybe becuase we are so different, I don't know. I just
know I cherish our friendship. I cherish my other friends
too but her more. Best friends.

Well, I'm going to go. Even shit tonight. I'm going to my
room and being alone. Each and every night alone. ALONE!

-KILL me.


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