Ad 0:
2002-07-11 00:10:10 (UTC)

I dont know why...

I dont know why I did it, but it was just there, is it
because I am depressed again, or was is because I was angry
with myself or with someone else, I don't know why I cut
myselg, but sometimes it helps me with the pain I am in,
not physical pain but pain emotionally, I have been scarred
for life with things such as no friends in school, been
beaten up, raped when I was too young to remember,
boyfriends treating me like shit, such as using me, hiting
me, me putting up with their shit, only wanting to go out
with me to become popular, stuff like that, one guy forced
me to have sex with him, but I didn't, I just left him, but
I was in the shower today and I was washing my hair, and
then I saw the razor just there and all that was going
through my mind was my past, and how I have cut my wrists
before, and I dont know why but I just did it.

I am seeing this girl called Makayla and she is like a
psychiatrist person and she is helping me at the moment,
but I cant tell her about me cutting myself, because then
she will tell my mum, and if my mum found that out, well I
dont know what I would do then, it would be very awkward to
be around my mum, she would probably send me to a REAL
psychiatrist, she would be worried about me and freaking
out and kinda angry at the same time, and I DONT want her
to be like that.

Well I am going out soon, I invited some friends to go to
southland, and we are going to have lunch, go shopping and
just hang out, I just hope that someone turns up!

Well I got stuff to do so I will write in this diary later,
and say what I have done, and dont worry I wont cut myself
anymore, it's weird actually, I am telling a friend of mine
to promise me not to cut themselves, and I MAKE them
promise me and look what I am doing now, what am I doing???
I swear I have to stop, I just wish that I was happy, then
maybe I wouldn't cut myself, AT ALL!

Well I have to go now, so Bye!

Luv Rhi