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2002-07-10 06:02:10 (UTC)

all the tears ive cried have been in vain

so i had a really good time tonight.
i went out with jessie. and then i met ron, patrick, and
nicole at the waffle house.
i hadnt seen ron or that waffle house is such a long time,
i had so much fun.
i love him.
it was weird talking to patrick.
i have "known" him so long...
its just weird hearing his side of the story.
you know.
i mean we went to the same high school. same middle school.
weve just been involved in one anothers lives in some weird
way for as long as i can remember.

in some ways im glad that i did what i did how i did it and
and in others...
i dont know..

things have just been so confusing and draining recently
with this whole situation with my father.
and its like...i cant stop thinking about it.
i fucking wish i could sometimes.
but...forgetting. or whatever.
isnt going to solve anything.
maybe this is just the stubborn bitch coming out.
i dont know.
i just wish that things could be different.
i wish that...
he could just understand.
but even typing that was hard.
i know he never will.
i know that no matter what i do in my life, nothing will
ever get him past the fact that im a lesbian.
and its just so sad.
so sad to think that one little fraction that makes up who
i am and who i will be as a person.
can take so much weight with him that hes willing to
sacrifice his entire relationship with me.
his daughter.
i mean.
isnt there something in the "daddy book" as he would put it.
that states that no matter what youre supposed to love and
support your children.
apparently not.
but god i wish that there was.
i wish that he could see past all of this.
but i know deep down that he never will.
and i know that attempting to salvage any kind of
relationship as i have been in the past six years of my
life is really self destructive.
he will never know what hes given up.
and at this point. i doubt that theres any going back
im a pretty forgiving person...
but time takes its toll on people.
and all the bad...
makes the good a little less there sometimes.
you cant put things of this sort out of your mind.

i just remember how he used to love me.
how he used to brush my hair in the morning.
and tell me i was a good girl every night just so i would

i get none of that now.

i feel like such a huge disappointment to him and my mother.
i know i havent lived up to what the have wanted from me as
a daughter.

i just cant live my life for them.
i cant live my life for anyone but me.
and it may be selfish.
but im sorry...i only have one of these things, you know.

i hate it but i love him.
i love him because i cant let go of the memories of what he
had before. before i came out to him. before he pick me up
from that church that day.

i just dont understand you know.
i was gay long before that night.
i was with jennifer before then. you know.
its not like i changed at all.
i guess he just viewed me in a different way after that.
and i guess hell never be able to view me in the same way

i just wish that he would listen to me.
see that im happy. that im okay. that im not going to
change. that being gay isnt just a phase. that im not
just "doing this" to get back at him. that...my sexuality
in all honesty has nothing to do with him. unless hes the
one that gave me these genes or whatever.

he doesnt even know me.
im going to be 19 this year.
and he doesnt know me at all.
hes lived with me for 19 years. and has no idea who i am
apart from my sexuality.

theres so much more to me than that. so much more. and hes
never going to be able to see that.

im making myself cry and thats bad because im sleepy.

how can i let go of him. my dad.
as hes obviously let go of me.

how can you stop loving someone even when its so unhealthy
it makes you want to die.

i really need to get out of this house.
i really need to surround myself with more healthy
surroundings. people. enviroments.

i feel so destructive recently.
i feel so just...
angry and hurt at so many different aspects of my life.
and as if i have no control over them.

i feel like i have lost some sort of control over myself.
and im not used to feel like that.
like love or obligations or feelings have taken control of
i couldnt change things. like. i dont want to change things.

i feel too dependent on my independence.

i have also been feeling incredibly unloved recently.
for, probably no reason.

i dont feel like i can trust anyone.
not even my mom.

and i hate feeling this way.
and i want it to change more than anything. and i dont know
exactly how to go about it.

tomorrow i will begin my work on me.
my work on focusing on fixing me.
and making me okay.
so that i can help fix everyone else i know.
because thats what i love to do. and thats what im good at.

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