NewRealizationx

Jessica
2002-07-10 05:15:15 (UTC)

hmmm....

well this is my first entry in my litte journal thingy, its
weird, but oh well... neways

Today has been a real sad day.. its been just over
two months since my dad died and today i got a necklace
that we got made of my dad's fingerprint when he died.that
makes me even sader..i just wish he was still here and i
wish i didn't feel sad anymoe. i kind of feel like i wanna
die, or kill someone or blame someone for his dying. which
i cant. i want to try to be angry at him for leaving me . i
wish he would just come back. i try not to cry in front of
anyone, but i want someone i can cry with , someone i can
tell when i'm sad and i dont feel like i'm tryin to get
sympathey from anyone. b/c maybe thats why i dont cry in
front of anyone, i dont want anyone to feel bad for
me!!!!!! that makes me feel even worse. i want to see him
just one for time, i want to tell him ilove him just one
more time, i just wanna fucking hear his goddamn voice, ok
ok ok i need to calm down i cant ever see the screen i'm
cryin so hard. shit shit shit. why did i ever tell him i
hated him? why did i say dad your a fag, go away. I HATE
MYSELF FOR EVER DOING THAT, i know that hurt him, and i
knew it then, but i didnt care, i really didn't. i thought
he deserved it, but hell he deserved a good daughter not
me... i wish someone was here w/ me, i dont seem to get sad
as long as i'm not alone, but once i get alone, i wanna
die, die and leave this fucking horrible place!!!! i dont
wanna cry anymore, but i cant help it, i feel as if there
is a big big big big big big piece of me missing ,and i
know what it is, but i cant seem to figure out how to fix
it. i want my dad back. i hate this. i hate life. i hate
life w/o him. i just want one more hug, one more kiss, one
more anything frum him. no1 understands what i'm goin
through. my friends try to sypathyize. but they cant. and
they will never be able to. i want my fucking dad back. i
want to just kill sum1 to get him back. i know i need to
realize hes never coming back, BUT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT i
dont want to think that, i want to think he just went
sumwhere and when i wake up in the morning he'll be there,
w/ his arms open, w/ all his tattoo's and everything. i
dont even believe in god anymore, people say things like
his happen for a reason, and i know my dad was hurting and
i know he was suffering, but i want to be selfish and make
him come back!!!!!!!!!!! i've never felt this sad, ever!
i've lost alot of things and alot of things have happened
to me over the years but this is by farthe worst thing that
could ever happen to me. do u know i use to tell myself i
wanted him to die. that my house would be so much better
w/o him. WHY THE FUCK DID I EVER THINK THAT??!?!?!??! i was
so stupid, i still am. well i'm tired of bitchin and being
a fuckin titty baby. i'm out..... laters




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