clueless

nobody cares
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2002-07-10 02:25:57 (UTC)

are u ready for this its a long one

ok so this thursday i get to have fun for a few hours with
one of my friends... im kinda nervous about it tho because
im so paranoid that im gonna get caught and the last thing
i need is to be caught
see im not suppost to see this guy but deep down i really
love him and supposly he says one little thing that my
parents over acted on and they tell me that im baned from
ever seeing him again and this happened back in september
of last year....frig GET OVER IT PARENTS!! but they dont
and they have no idea that i still stay on contact with him
because i only talk to him on the computer on msn... see i
used to talk to him on the phone only if i called him but
then his parents banned him from talking to me on the phone
because o my shit head parents...fu*k y wont they let it go
and theres no way i can call and pretend to be someone else
because they have caller id and even if i use that star
thing they know my voice and none of my friends know about
him and i like it to stay that way .... well i cant say non
of them know about them because several of them do but the
onces that do know about them are never around when i need
them to call and ask for him...
see all last year and some time during this summer he has
been my "fling partner" most people ask me wut is a "fling
partner" and wut it is to us is its like dating wihout the
dating ruleskinda of like they can be at any time and dont
mean a thing like no commitment kind of like a date but
also no feelings nessasary... in oher words a friend with
benefits... and if ur thinking wut most people do its not
alllll llike that like sometimes we give each other stuff
that in couples would never think of and i cant really
explain that.. but we do u know make out and give each
other massages and we do alot of cuddleling... ect.... but
its more of a back up u know like if u have nothing to do
and have a few hours to kill kinda thing.. it doesnt mean
anything and thats how i like it.. like im not some kinda
slut here if ur thinking that like i dont put out for him
or anything its just mainly stuff that involves no
feelings like yes ok we kiss but wuts a meanless kiss like
i know i care about him and he cares about me but is not
like going out caring and not like family caring iether its
another type that i cant explain.... anyways so i went on
several flings with him like on and off but lately over the
last month and a half i havent seen him in some time and i
started dating my ex boy friend (thats jason) this summer
because hes kind of a summer fling thing but we are dating
(supposly) well then he went and kind of ruint it by
telling me that he loves me u know L O V E which is soo
overated i know that he doesnt love me he might think i but
love means so much more to me than it does to him.. and im
sure every boy friend one time or another eventually tells
his gf that he loves her bt do they ever mean it... saying
that u love someone means that u dont wanna see anyone else
only u and u are the person that they want to grow old with
and they dont care what u look like or what speed u go they
care for who u really are as a person... and frankly i dont
think he loves me in that way because its been 5 weeks now
that he hasnt seen me and he doesnt even call me when hes
not working and he keeps on using exscueses like he works
so much but i dont think theres anyone in the world that
can work 24 hours a day for 5 weeks straight and u know if
he did LOVE me like what he says he would call me atleast
on his breaks at work to just ask wuts going on and even if
i wasnt home he could leave a message with someone saying
to let me know that he called to see whats up... anyways
he's dating me and u dont tell someone that ur dating that
u love them u atleast wait till ur going out with them..
then that cames to the fact that he did ask me out two
times in the same day at his house when i still was having
these flings with this other guy.. ut does he exspect me to
do just to go out with him while im still dating this other
guy? i cant do that because that would be cheating on him
and im not one to cheat... so i told him that i couldnt go
out with him right at the moment because there was too much
things going on at once... i never told him no just not at
the moment.... and that was the last time that he called me
n a week then he asked me to go to his house on the
following monday because he only had to work at 5 so i told
him yeah i could go over so bright and early on mon morning
but my father (shit head) had other plans for me which i
didnt know about and i tryed to get up early enough before
everyone else but 2 mins after i was up my parents woke up
and told me that i was gonna finigh my floor in my room
which would take an hour( putting grout in between the
tiles) ( see my father would put the grout and i would have
to clean the tiles after wards) so i called jason up and
told him that i would be over a little bit after i
suspeacted and told him i would call him when we were done
then he said alright.... then one hour turned into 2 hours
then 3 then 4 and by the time i was done it al it was going
on 3 40 or so and he had to work at 5 and the next bus out
was only at 4 40 and i wouldnt even get to see him so i had
to tell him i wouldnt make it and asked to reschedual so we
made plans for the next day... but he didnt know till the
morning that he had to pack because he was moving so it
wasnt really his fault either because his mother thought
hey y dont we pack and move a day earlyer (wut a bright
idea not!!!!!) so those plans go ruined and they had to
pack and un pack into the other house which took them a few
days and we both had to work morning shifts for the rest of
the week... so oooook we didnt have any way of seeing each
other,... then the next week i went over to my friends
house which lives like a blick away from him and we called
to see if he was free the next day and he was so he said to
call him at 9 30 in the morning because this was at like 11
45 at night so we had to go espeacailly because my friend
had summer school the next morning( and we were gonna call
him when we got back from it) so we went and when we got
back i called himlike planed and guess what . ... he wasnt
home he went to trevors house because he invited him to
magic mountain so we find trevors house from one of my
friends friends and then i called him up and asked wut was
going on and he said that he called at around 9 30 and we
werent home so he thought that we were gone out for the
rest of the day so when trevor asked him to go over that he
said sure and that he couldnt talk on the phone any longer
because they were going out the door so i hung up on him
because i was so pissed allll his fault he could have
waited a little longer omg anyways so that happened 2 weeks
ago and every time i cll at his house hes never there or he
has friends over its like oh ok he can invite them over but
not me (the one he says he loves) that makes plenty of
sence and like 4 weeks ago i told my fling partner that i
didnt want anymorw flings because i was gonna go out with
this other guy as bf and gf but it looks like thats not
gonna happen any time soon so i was talking to my ex fling
partner and asked him wut he was doing on thurs and he said
nothing so i asked him on a date and he said sure then
later on the same night he tells me well actually he askes
me first if i ever had feelings for him.... i idnt know wut
to ay because he was only a fling partner which isnt
suppost to have feelings and then he told me that he had
feelings for me and still does .... i was so confusesed and
didnt know wut to say and i asked him y he never told me
before and he said that he was afraid and i asked him y he
liked me and he just said that i stole his heart... well
this is enough rambling on aout this stupid story if anyone
could send me any feed back wut so ever of wut i should do
i would really appreaciate it thanx and sorry this was so
long but u got to understand i got soooo much off my chest
and out of my mind in words that it did well and i believe
this must be one of my first entries that im ot in tears by
the end of it but i think its becuse im so confused of what
i should do but i am certainly in a sweat from the stress
peace out and who ever does finish reading this entry i am
so happy because u have alot more patience than i do and i
respect that
phoebs


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