? :: connie ::?

:: inside my mind ::
2001-06-28 07:21:37 (UTC)

Well ...

This is a place where I can be myself. This is a place
where I can be selfish.

My life has been really miserable for these past 2 days. I
can't sleep well, can't eat, and I think I look 10 years
older now if I see myself in the mirror as I keep frowning.
Pimples popping out here and there. Tears coming out from
my eyes everytime I write an email to him. I don't know
that this could effect my min & my appearance this much.

I'm exhausted. I can't let me myself hanging on a string
like this. I should make up my mind, eventhough it would be
a great lost, but that's OK as well, I need to protect
myself before it will hurt me more like what I got in the

I really want to have a relationship right now. I don't
need anymore friendship. I already have lots of friends. He
said in his last email that he wanted to bring back
the "relationship" we had into a friendship again. No!!! I
can't retreat back, but I don't want to force anyone also
to accept my love and I don't want to beg for anyone's
love. I have dignity and I have to stand up for myself. So
if friendship all he wants from me now, I'd better give up.

I think he's shocked that I was not the same person he knew
the first time we met or several days ago. It was not
because I hid the real me, but maybe there was nothing
disturbing my mind at that time. Maybe now it's better that
naturally he could see my true color eventhough I don't
expect him to tell me that he still loves me. I lost this
great guy, but if he's unhappy with him, I'd better not to
defend this relationship. I want him to be happy and that
will make me happy. That's all for now.