as the Oval turns
2001-06-28 06:46:03 (UTC)

Caution: there are some things you just don't talk about with some peeps

Yeah, I've got this online journal, and it's all good. I
figured that maybe people can learn about the good and the
bad of what I go through every day, what I think about,
etc., etc.
Today has been sort of depressing...I had class, had
work, went back to the dorm, etc. I was thinking, as usual
thinking too much. I guess at times it irritates me that
no matter what, guys at the most tend to see me as just a
potential or realized friend, but not as a potential
girlfriend or anything like that. It kind of sucks...I
mean, it's good to not be seen as a piece of meat, but I'm
not some asexual amoeba, either. And reciprocity--I don't
ever seem to see it. I look at dudes for their
personality, who they are, etc., and although I do find
some people more physically attractive than others, I don't
just throw the guys that aren't all that hot in
the "discard bin," and I wouldn't date a dude merely for
aesthetics. But dudes tend to be so shallow, even if
they're not all that physically attractive--it's all this
dumb stuff like "you're too light," "you're not the right
shape," "you look too weird," and the list goes on and
on...and it's a bunch of b.s. Maybe I keep meeting the
wrong guys, but it seems like every guy is wrong.
Last night, I was talking to a guy friend of mine from
back home, I hadn't talked to him in a few months. Anyway,
he was saying that he can't find a woman that's about
anything, and said that most of the black women he's met
are crappy, and that many of them don't give him the time
of day. Hello??!!!! The thing is, way back in the
day, I used to really like this dude, but it didn't work
out between us, long story, but basically b/c he doesn't
see me as being anything else other than a friend and as
far as I know he has no intention of even considering
anything else. Thank goodness that now I don't like him
like that either. However, I still wouldn't totally X him
out in the potential list, I don't think that's fair (maybe
I'm too nice). But I really feel that he's cheating
himself by Xing me out like that, so I hope he finds the
right person, but if he doesn't, it'll be his own fault.
So earlier today (technically yesterday, since it's past
two in the morn), I talked to a friend of mine who's at
home for the summer, on IM. I think he's really cool, and
we talk about a lot of stuff that interests me, like
politics, social issues, etc. However, as much as we talk
about other things, we hardly ever talk about
relationships. Relationships, that's one of my favorite
subjects, but I think that because of our history (which I
really don't want to get into), it's a touchy subject that
we never talk about. But today I went there, we were
talking about interracial relationships, and I wish I
hadn't, b/c he said some things that, well, it wasn't
offensive, but it just reminded me of the way things are
between us, basically that although it would be nice if
there was a chance for anything between us, it probably
won't happen b/c I'm sure he doesn't see me as any kind of
potential girlfriend. That really hurts. After all these
years, all the years of being treated like you're nobody,
meeting all these dudes that aren't about a whole lot and
want to project that onto you, and then finally meeting a
man that's the closest thing to your dream dude, and
finding out that you don't have a snowball's chance in hell
of being with him. Yeah, that wound runs kinda deep. Aber
dass ist die Leben. But as hard as it is, I know that God
is there, and no matter what happens, He'll always be
there, comforting me, guiding me. And I do have the hope
that one day, God is going to work things out. I don't
know how, but I know that the Lord's got me and isn't going
to just leave me hanging.