2002-07-08 10:04:34 (UTC)

still falling

no results. im not imporoving at all. repression is
becoming mandatory on all actions, like forcing constant
amnesia on myself 24/7. best just not to think about
whatever has happened. its the only way. cutting helps,
too. whenever i do cut, i never bleed. im too much of a
wimp to. the closer the razor gets, the further my
problems seem; the craving of pain seems to diminish, just
like a poser or something. or it could be my painfully
dyslexic subconscious. either way, the pain is
inevitable. at least i can get satisfaction in that. im
starting to just accept all this incredible pain, for
nothing has shown any significant improvement. all my
sacrifices were worthless. all my efforts were for
nothing. its time to give up. suicide always sounds so
good. its one of the few pure joys i feel nowadays. just
the feeling of escape from this world, from the people, to
go beyond what i imagined, despite the next world. its
intoxicating. its so fuckin tempting. to be free... to be
gone of all this pain, of all the wordly earthly matters,
to go beyond it. i just want to leave, to have never been
born. my final seconds would be full of all emotion.
mostly regret, for my mind is dyslexic. but the last
minutes would be joy. i know it would. it would be what
my efforts woudl be leading to: an end to the pain. its so
pleasing to have that emotion. to never look back. to
fall and never hit the ground. fuck my dreams, they will
never happen. ill never be content. its all so hopeless,
its impossible to be happy. no possible circumstances will
lead to satisfaction. im surprised i haven't died at all.
but im pretty sure thats how i will go. everyday i become
more convinced about that. in case i do die before my next
entry, im the only one to blame, etc, don't blame
yourselves, this was inevitable, etc, go home and forget
about me. i need a lighter. then ill actually feel a lot
of pain and that might help me w/ repression. living one
moment at time only, forgetting everything, it will become
instinct, and as an old man, ill hate myself for losing all
my memories, for wasting my childhood and my whole life for
that, and die miserably as i lived. it doesn't matter, if
i can't remember what just happened, i can't remember
pain. thats the plan. repression as an instinct is my
goal. constant amnesia, sorta like that guy in momento.
except ill be trying to forget. if only i could bribe a
quack to do something like that, to get alzheimers right
now. fuck education, ill never go anywhere, anyways. too
lazy. its too late anyway. ive dug myself a hole. theres
no way out. just pain until a rush of suicide. story of
my life. don't get any big ideas. they're not gonna
happen. i can't wait til im over. lying in a puddle of
blood is my nirvana. a still heartbeat, no breath, eyes
shut tight, perfection. i hate myself and i want to die.