Dick Doomsday

I miss my babe......

*sighs*

well i havent really talked to mark till today. I really
miss him. Er, rather the way WE use to be. He was my best
friend. and I spent almost every waking moment with him.
Well, i guess things have changed.

He seems as if he doesnt need me. and that hurts alot. i
have tried to not think of it but the last couple of days
have gotten to me. i drive by his house and i just want to
cry. he doesnt call me anymore. and when i call he's never
home or he's on the other line with someone more important
then me.

it just hurts so bad. i dont feel like he loves me anymore.
and, i dunno. fuck. why is it i have all this unconditional
love for everyone yet everyone else cant seem to share any
with me.

i miss my babe sooooo fucking much. hurts more then when
we're fighting and not talking. Cuz then i know the reason
why he's not talking to me. but this is different. i dont
want to give up on him. i so just want to be his best
friend. is that too much to ask? i guess so.

i would do anything for that boy. ANYTHING. but he doesnt
feel the same way about me.

he wasnt having such a good weekend and he wasnt feeling to
peachy. i asked if he wanted to come over or me go over
there and he said no. he DOESN'T need me. and all i wanted
to do was give him a hug. i have to admit that hug wasnt
for his sake but rather mine. i need a hug. as corny as
that sounds i do need one from him soooooo fucking bad.

but i guess thats to much to ask for as well.

i try to just let it go but i cant. he means way too
fucking much to me for me to just let it go. again, i have
backed myself into a one way friendship.

i just long for someone to care about me. to truely care
about me. someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who
loves me just as much as i love them. i am fucking sick of
one way relationships.

i just cry all the time now. i hide it as best as i can. i
intentionally hurt myself just to try and distract myself
from the pain. which is incredibly ironic.

i've moved on from cutting. instead i make myself sick by
not eating or by throwing up when i do eat. this is
something i can control without leaving any visable scars.

all this over a boy.

fuck. i am pathetic.

but i cant change who i am.

i'll just have to be pathetic all my life.