JuNgLiSt_MaMi

enigmatic contemplation
2002-07-07 19:53:35 (UTC)

fearless

Its raining outside. And although this happens everyday..
its an unusual rain today. I feel a sort of comfort in
hearing the rain.. falling onto the chiminey... outside my
window.. the thunder.. is bringing me.. this sort of peace.
I guess its cuz any sort of 'chaos' brings some sort of joy
into my life. I mean if you think about it.. the whole
thing with B has brought me a little 'joy' even though its
caused chaos in my relationship with J. I dont want it to
escalate to that point this time.. yet im not turning away
from B. Which i guess is what i need to do.. i just dont
WANT to.

I went to chat in this matrix message board. A sort of
intimate congregation of regulars. I think i stunned them
with my whole "seduction" presence. They were sort of taken
aback.. didnt really know whether i was being serious or
not. I told them it was a "hobby".. that i knew men loved
to be seduced. Which is the truth.. i know. My whole life..
i have looked for some peace.. some truth. With all that
went on on that message board, ive come to the conclusion..
there is no truth. You see what you want to see, feel what
you want to feel, and believe what you want to believe.
People can infuence your thoughts.. even provoke them, but
you decide in the end. I am what i want to be.. i do what i
want to do.. and if that makes me horrible..so be it. I
believe im good inside. My actions my state other wise, but
i know that my intentions are never geared towards causing
pain in someone else.. especially someone who i care for.
then again.. like i always say... maybe im just insane....

@-)--




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