Visions Of Life
2002-07-07 08:59:45 (UTC)

Fuck, Its Hard

Does anyone know how hard it is to remain calm and still
and safe when your mind is screaming on the inside. How
hard it is to look at tools of destruction and walk away?
Almost every cell in my body wants to hurt and yet I sit
here, safe. I hate it. I want to take a whole bottle of
pills yet i took 2. I want to drink all of my alcohol but i
am drinking one glass and only because it was mixed for me.
I want to cut myself, but im not. I did destroy my blades
but i can always find glass or something but im not going
there and its going to drive me insane. Its quite odd. Im
not crying or anything, i just yearn to hurt my body. Im
exhausted, tipsy and unhappy and all i want to do is scream
or cry and hope someone hears me and actually cares. If i
let go and cry, my emotions will consume me and Ill spend
another week living in shame for not being strong enough. I
hate having to be strong. i hate not being able to give in
to emotion. I cant hurt myself because i love him and
because its the one thing i do that stands in the way of my
happiness, which is ironic because sometimes its the only
path to happiness. I feel so crazy sometimes. Perhaps I am
crazy but i dont know how to fix it and be normal so i
suffer in the shadows with my secret.

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