cloudcadet

My Life
2001-06-27 23:23:40 (UTC)

Ah....I dunno

Dear Diary,
How are things with you? Everything is actually going great
with me!! It's amazing! I love my new state of mind, I love
soberity! Being sober is GREAT!!! I don't feel quite so
fucked up! I actually think I am worthy of being human, as
unworthey as humans tend to be. I am taking the time to get
to know myself and love myself and help myself with what I
need help with. I can clearly see (most) of my problems, and
I am finding ways of dealing with them. I am creating myself
into the wonderful person I have always wanted but never
dreamed I could be. Wow. That's all I really think I can
say. WOW!!!
Tommorow is my Birthday. I am so happy. The day I have
been waiting for all my life, and I am not going to spend it
wallowing in my own pain, sitting around thinking about what
I could be doing as I do nothing. No, I am thinking about
what I could be doing and I am doing it! I am going to spend
the day alone reflecting on my life. I will think about my
Life, and the fact that I am still alive and why.
You see, ever since I can remember I have had this plan
to kill myself on my 18th birthday. I don't know why. It's
just what I've always planned. But I am not going to! I am
not going to waste my life like that. I have potential! I
can be something, I can be somebody....wait...I am somebody,
I am me!!! I can't explain the happiness that pulsates
through me each day!I wish I could, but just as the pain
was, the happiness is also greater than words.
Ah....I dunno. I am still kinda getting used to this
whole online diary thing. It's just nice to release my
thoughts and typing is so much better than writing
especially when you have something pent inside and you just
want to get it out really fast (typing much more efficent
than pen and paper) and forget about it. I mean, no offense
to you, my new online diary friend of mine, but nothing will
ever replace my journal. You both have your pros...(screw
cons, they are only there if you look to find them.
Well shit I should go wait for the bus I am not sure
what time it comes but it is sometime around now. I'll get
back to you.
Thanks for being there for me!!! Thank you every one who
has been in my life, weither for better of worse, I have
learned something from all of you! Thank you to the
strangers that smile kindly! Thank you to those who have
loved me even though I believed with all my soul that I was
unloveable! Thank you for my family, I love you dearly.
Thank you to all living creatures and souls in this world!
The planet is not a wonderful place, it is the wonderful
souls that live here that make it so.
Till next time....spreading love to all.


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