Little Bird

Private Babbling
2001-06-27 21:56:45 (UTC)

Nothing New

I guess I can take some of my e-mails apart and think about
them now. It’s been a rough week here so I haven’t had time
to write. Next week I will be in St Louis camping and Six
Flag’s-ing so you won’t hear from me then either.

This one came today. I’ve pretty much detatched myself from
Her. She had too much power over me anyway. She only makes
me sad, it seems….


Sorry that I keep dropping in and out of life! We have
about a week's worth of catchin up to do! The bottom line
of all my problems is this: I'm stuck in that crazy kind of
love that I thought I'd never feel again (remember O, the
first years?). Plus I've been messing around with
substances that I should have left alone. My brain/heart is
really spinning most of the time. The house is up for sale
and I guess I'm moving - things are really so confusing
right now - just shoot me! I really don't know if I'll
still be in this relationship 3 months from now - there are
moments when I feel secure but also there's a LOT of doubt.
I know this moved way too fast but in a way I don't want to
stop the train - I don't know what to do so I'm just
closing my eyes and trying to cope one day at a time. I
really do want to catch up and to pick up our friendship
where things started to slide. I need some help if I'm
gonna straighten myself out - on one hand, I know how
terribly unhappy I was most of last winter and this spring.
On the other hand, I don't know how to handle what I seem
to have gotten myself into. DAMN IT! So please, bear with
me, don't be mad, don't be hurt, if you can......

This came late last week…the first time she came close to
saying she lovED me and wantED to be with me….

I know it wasn't the right time to have done that -
....."if at all" I feel guilty for pushing you toward him
after that - it didn't feel like a game at the time but I
wish I could have been strong enough to just talk to you
about how I felt. On the other hand, I know I tried at
least once - and it seemed like it didn't matter. OBVIOUSLY
it didn't matter, or else how could you ever go with him
the way you did when you could have been with me? I trusted
you, told you secrets, and felt like you used it against me
to try to separate me from him so you could have him. I
don't really know why I asked it either - I guess I'm still
trying to understand everyone's roles in that whole thing,
and I ask myself a lot of "why" about a lot of things. I
will never forget how you cried over him that night after
he left palatine - even though he was only there chasing
what he thought might be " a good time ". And I was mad at
HIM for hurting YOU! I was also mad at you for caring at
all. That was a painful, painful scene for me. I wish I
could look back and say that you would have been with only
me if I had tried but that doesn't feel like the truth,
although you may be able to look at it differently now than
you could back then. That's why I got so mad when you wrote
all that to me - because you hurt me so much back then and
I haven't been able to let go - not yet, maybe not ever. I
don't want to lose your friendship but I know there are
some limits now on what that could ever be. It makes me sad
but it isn't going to change. I'm in a very, very strange
mood today and this is just on my mind.....

BITCH! Why couldn’t she say that years ago?

Jens and I have been talking a lot….It’s going to be a
major hook up when he gets here! I am happy to look forward
to him coming, even if it is a one time deal. Last weeks
conversation included a stupid 20 Q’s survey and a lot of
flirtation. I am into keeping it real right now and I
seriously think that I am much better off playing than
trying to be in a relationship.

My on-line interest still insists on pining away after me.
She is pissing me off, maybe because I have PMS or maybe
because I am sick of her shit…hhhmm, I dunno. I just don’t
find her very credible and since she is still heavily into
AOL, I think she needs to get a life.

That’s it for today. I have to get out of this hell hole!

TTFN




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