yo-d's mind
2002-07-07 03:25:02 (UTC)

screw up

wow, most of the time I feel like the biggest screw up in
the world. I can't seem to do anything right. For God's
sake I've been home for less than a week and already I've
got my mom mad at me. Why can't I do anything right??? I
even feel like a let down to my friends. An ex of a friend
did something totally horrible and still I find him
incredibly incredibly attractive, and I would probably,
well almost deffinately do something with him if I had the
chance... and I feel horrible about it. I don't know, I'm
just messed up. according to my mom I'm a dissorganized
slob... and it really hurts to be constantly called that by
my own mom, the person who is supposed to support you and
love you and such. Like I said before, I just can't do
anything right. Thats one of the reasons I dread school.
I have all these friends in different groups and I just
feel like a social mutt. I can't find my place ever. The
only place where I feel like I belong is at church with my
youth group or at my camp. It's like I can do no wrong
there, and when I'm there I actually feel like I'm worth
something. It's basically my only escape from my stress.
Maybe my little astrology thing is right when it comes to
pisces. They say pisces has a delicate balance of living
in a dream land and real life, but they can easily slip
into the dream side. And really thats what I do, I try to
live in memories and hope and I dwell on what was and what
can be rather than what is. I guess no one really
understands me and thats hard. I don't even think I really
understand myself, in fact I don't understand myself. It's
so ironic that I can figure out and get into anyone's mind,
I mean crap, I'd be an amazing psychologist, but really I
can't figure myself out. hmmm something to ponder.

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