Me and X
I am in a foul mood. I feel terrible. I talked to him and
I dont know if I felt good about talking to him or bad.. or
better or worse.. or both.
And I did what he told me not to.. what he always tells me
Tonight I took my mother out to ice cream, bought her and
myself some and came home to watch Vanilla Sky.. she
agreed to hanging out with me, and I was looking forward to
it because I like the movie and I love my mom. But then my
dad was drunk, and he interrupted us, and he was being a
dick. He made me so mad that I screamed and walked into a
different room and closed the door. Why couldnt he just
let us watch the movie? I started to cry. And then after
a while my mom came in and said that he had gone to bed.
And then I went back into the room we were originally
watching the movie in...... then my aunt called....... and
my mother talked to her... then my father came downstairs
and bugged us again.. and my mother went upstairs..... and
im like WHAT THE FUCK..... I got so angry again I went back
into the other room..
Why did she agree to spend this time wth me when all she
was going to do was other things. And then she comes back.
I was so angry. I felt crazy. And she kept getting up and
doing shit.. making tea.. this and that. All i wanted was
some time with her. Why was it so hard. I got so angry
with her that I was being mean, and I was angry at myself
for being mean.. but I couldnt stop.. and I started crying.
What am I doing to myself.. why am I making myself crazy..
am I making myself crazy over and because of him? When i
told him that I feel crazy I meant it. I dont think he
quite realizes it.. that me crying that entire time I was
down there.. isnt just a once in a while thing.. It wasnt
me just flipping out because I was there and I was with
him. I feel like that a lot.. and it makes me feel hot..
and closed in like when I was waiting in that bus to get on
the airplane and it was so hot.. I am not claustrophobic
but I have been feeling like I am recently. I feel like I
need to get out and get away.. I dont want to be touched..
I want to turn my back on people. As I sit here typing I
feel hot.. and closed in. What is wrong with me recently.
Am I making this all up.. Am I making myself this way.
Sometimes I hate him so much and I blame it on him.. why
why why cant he just let me be.. let me live.. let me
breathe.. and other times I love him so much and instead
its why why why why why cant i just be with him, why cant
he just take care of me.. why cant he just fucking leave
her and help me.. I hate fighting with him.. I hate the
dynamic between us.. I want things to be good but is it as
A tells me.. is it impossible.. will it never be able to
happen.. will he only bring me down the way she says.. I
dont want to believe her.. I really dont.. but I see how I
start to feel inside and start to act.. I see how I flip
out and I try to hide it from him but at the same time I
try to tell him that I am not doing good.. and I dont think
he gets it.. I dont think he fucking gets it. I know I
hurt you X.. I know I did.. but I cant do anything anymore
and I will never be good enough for you.. dont you think
that even if i show up down there.. the answers still wont
be right for you.. i am so fuccking hot. so fucking hot....
i am working myself up way too much.
and now I know that anytime he can read this thing...
because I showed it to him, and maybe that takes something
away from what I type.. but I dont think so.. because this
is how I feel.. I may feel crazy but its how I
feel...whether or not he reads it. I need to let go of my
feelings every once in a while.. and sometimes I try to
talk to him but god x.. how can I tell you how I feel
inside when everytime I try you tell me im bullshit, or you
laugh at me.. or my answer isnt good enough.. im not good
enough. my answers will never be good enough.. i just want
to cry it out for a while because I feel hurt and hot.. and
god and why is he always so right.. why does he have to be
so right and then remind me of how hes right all the time.
why did i have to be mean to my mom.. i love my mom.
but what i didnt understand about him being so upset about
the way i talk to my mother is....... he would have me toss
her aside if necessary to be with him.
ahhh my ramblings.. i feel like i never make any sense..
maybe its best i just submit this and not read what i have
typed because i just dont make any sense and i dont need to
be reminded of that. god i do love him. i dont mean to be
this way x. i really dont.. i wish i wasnt this way
because i love you..... im sorry that im so emotional all
the time.. sopmetimes i wonder if im going to crack and
tweak out. i hope i dont because.. i dont know what id
i dont like being this way x.. i wish i wasnt for you. i