keeping my hands in the air
2002-07-05 20:18:15 (UTC)


im so confused right now...i feel more lost than ever at
this point. i can't decide--should i go with what i feel
and what i want, possibly hurting somebody, or should i be
unselfish and just go on that date? flashback: this guy
john asked me the other nite if i wanted to go to the
movies w/ him next week. i knew he'd liked me for a while,
and even though i had liked him before, now i don't. i
told him maybe. now i need to tell him that i think of him
as just a friend and all that jazz. and all of this is
bringing up some contradictory feelings. usually i would
plan to go w/ what my heart says and try to not be so
selfish when it comes to other people. and i know what it
feels like to like someone, but not have them like u back.
so, should i save john from this? or is that even my job?
maybe it's not for me to say what to not expose him to.
but i remember a friend told me once that he's been led on
before. i don't want to lead him on, but i don't want to
do something i don't want to do. and when i think about
that, i feel that im sounding so incredibly selfish.
selfish for not wanting something to happen w/ john cuz i
don't feel anything for him.

i mean, john is a great guy. but my heart is w/ someone
else right now (we're not together, but he's one of my
really good friends). it doesn't feel like im denying john
just because of this other guy. i mean, maybe if someone
else had come along whom i was attracted to, then maybe
that someone would have a chance. but im not attracted to
john. actually, he gets on my nerves sometimes.

or maybe im just thinking this over too much. a while ago,
i thought i had decided that i would just talk to him (in
person, not on the computer) and tell him that i would
just want to be friends. he at least deserves the truth.
that's one thing im definitely sure of.

but another thing that keeps popping in my mind is maybe
im supposed to go out w/ him and see what might be there--
well, as of now, i reject that idea. what if im supposed
to like him after this one date. but then i rule that one
out saying that if we're supposed to be together, then we
would--God wouldn't let anything spoil His plans. so if
we're supposed to be together, then we will, i guess.

i guess what i just need to do is just trust that
everything will work out ok.

"things are always ok in the end. if it's not ok, then
it's not the end."