? :: connie ::?

I'm Lost

I feel like a kite loosing the direction ... I don't know
what I want now, and I lose hope which I still had 2 days
ago. I don't blame my PMS or anyone for this. Let this be
my fault. Well, I'm selfish lots of times, but I can't
always hide my own feeling and my expectation and I also
can't make everyone happy, even myself. I need to make a
decision which maybe will ruin my happiness.

If this is God's will, like he and my dad said, why there
is a doubt in my heart? I am really depressed now, maybe
for other people it's not a big deal, but it is for me. I
have had too many traumas before, people come and go for
good in my life and I loose faith in myself.

Or, if they are right, is this a devil's work? My friend
Danny who hasn't called me for weeks suddenly called me
again & he shaked my believe harder. I know people mock me,
they always think that I'm a failure and bit by bit it
influenced me and made me think that what they said is
right. I couldn't sleep the whole night & day, but finally
I fell asleep at about 11 AM. I kept checking my email,
wishing that he sent me an email as I did send lots of
emails to him since the last time I got his email at about
midnight. I asked him to call me & I kept my mobile on
hoping that he might called, but the phone just kept
silent. I was so sad and felt left.

I just talked to dad about this matter and I thanked him
for always being my true friend when others run away from
me. He asked me to be more patient, but he fully understand
that this happened because of my past.

I hope he still would come here in Aug. The trip initially
should be on July 9, but delayed till July 17 and now Aug.
I really want to meet this guy and he knows that the only
way is meeting him here as I don't have the visa to visit
him there. But if there's anymore delay after Aug, well,
maybe we're not meant to be. It's hard for me to conceive,
but as usual I will never fight for anything I think it's
hard for me to get. I don't want to push my luck which I
think will create more disspointments later if I force it.
But God, I wish he knows how I miss him ...