Jencaero

Well I suppose i should get back to this

yay there is smoke in my hear and breath... firecrackers,
what is the point of this on the fourth of july?
celebration? screw this, on to other matters

I think the reason i havent been WRITING as much as just
pasting conversations has come about from the fact that i
seem to have met more people to speak with things about,
and have bestowed upon myself a sense of normalcy almost,
to the extent where im can make myself almost a "typical"
teen... the thoughts have ended perhaps i am at peace with
the assumption that maybe all of my questions will never
be answered while on this earth, but a part of me still
wishes to ask more questions yet everyone says SHUT UP JEN
maybe theyre wiser than me, and know that all of lifes
questions can never be answered? what about
nikkis "feelings" thing? is that all it boils down to? i
mean do we punish people for making others be in
situations where they dont FEEl good? somehow to me i dont
want that to add up, i like things complicated, dont all
humans? dont we wish to be more than we sincerely are,
dont we want to be the elite, yet are we truly? we are SO
destructive, as are other animals... why to this and why
to that is my complete life, why havent i been writing in
this, i need balance, a balance of action and thought, i
believe, and lately have i been achieving balance? i think
that at one point in my life, nikki and i overdosed on the
thought, and forgot about action, which, i could debate
over meaning of action but that can wait. put that on hold
life on hold hmmm everything on hold, speak to people in
hope of finding something filling empty voids in life, is
everything for my benifit, am i a selfish bitch do i live
for living do i live for others do i love for loving or
for myself this is a whole bunch of letters
just letters no punctuation, the one who reads best is the
one who wrote
or maybe no

maybe through people such as nikki, mirrors, i catch a
glimpse of myself
and am able to clear former misconceptions but what if
i gather an unclear tarnished self image and dont see what
i am
is the mirror clear
am i wearing glasses
hmmmmm
what is being a stereotypical teen about anyhow?
the clothes the
hair the caring about boys the
trying to be grown up still, where does it get us?

when do we cross over into maturity
if ever?
are lives of adults just games as well?
do they play a game of survival
or do they somehow know
animal instinct
damnit my writing skills have deteriorated
i feel so inept at this so unable to
explain things
damn explain EMOTION , FEELINGS?
what is it all
what are words
when people say things i ask for definitions
because a word to me may have a different meaning to the
other person
oh and i live and i love too many people
im so attached to them i just love them and they can live
without mebut
sometimes it feels like i cant live without them
its extremely strange
i should shut up now, this is overwhelming, actually
WRITING in this journal for the first time in seemingly
forever
will be more later...