eidolon

shifting mists
2002-07-05 02:19:07 (UTC)

like cracked porcelain ...

... Jeremy and i talked on the phone on Monday night .... we made an
agreement ... a compromise ...

Psychoanalyze the chapters
on the path to my darkest day.
Searching for the answers,
all i see is damage through the haze.

.... that .. at the MaXiMuM he would go out OnCE a WeeK for a couple
of hours with friends for a beer or two ... and that ... in turn ...
i have the allowance to smoke once a week if i so chose as well ...

... no more drinking than that ... no more smoking than that ...

... i can't really imagine myself smoking that much/often ... but ...
at least it gives him some guidelines that he can live with ... and
that i can live with too ...

Picking up the pieces of my life
with no direction for re-assembly.
The one that lays beside me
is sharing scars of my broken yesterdays.

... we also talked about the honesty ... and how i expect the same
respect, consideration and honesty from him as i give .... including
the expectation of the ''what they don't know won't hurt them'' game
NoT being played ... ever ...
... and we talked about honesty some more .... about how everyone
messes up from time to time .. it's the condition of being human
after all ... and how hiding it is not the answer ... how fessing up
is a much better choice no matter how big the ''fuck up'' is ....

... you know though ... i worry about him breaking the agreement ...
the drinking one .. the honesty one ... the respect one ... i .... i
didn't worry about this before last week ...but yet .. now i do ...

Driving the nail into my head,
memory flows like a river.
With the one that lays beside me
i'm healing scars from my childhood memories.

.... and i worry about him slowly pulling away ... slowly taking
away ''our time'' ... resenting compromises we make to each other ..
resenting the work it takes to have such an open honesty in a
relationship .... i worry about that ''our time'' being weeded out as
he retains his time out ... increasing it ... longer ... drinking
more ... coming home later and later ... leaving earlier and
earlier ... ~swallowing~ ... yeah ...

Tomorrow finally found me.

.... this fear ... i know it stems from when i was with Jake ....
that's what happened .... i know that Jeremy is not Jake .... i'm
aware that they are completely different men .. it's more like i
blame the behavior of Jake's on myself .... deep in my soul i feel
like i CauSeD it to happen .. like it was my fault .... and because
it was me and not him that it could happen again and again no matter
who i'm with ...

i'm hypnotized. i'm trying...
to understand the chapters
of the path from my darkest day.
Searching for the answers
but there's DAMAGE!

... i know it's an unreasonable way to think of things ... that it's
silly to feel like his behavior in this matter was my fault just like
it's silly saying it was ''my fault'' that Jake was a violent
man .... yet ... in my soul it seems to be the way i feel .... and
for some reason .... common sense and logic and reason do not speak
or change the feelings in my soul .... even when i want them to
change ...

.. damnit ... i don't want to feel this way ... and i hope .. that
over time .. Jeremy will be able to help me prove to my soul that
those feelings are truly wrong ....


Lyrics courtesy of the song ''Damaged'' by Queensryche.