starry nite

my own world
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2002-07-05 01:39:34 (UTC)

holidays suck

did nothing again today....watched the fireworks on tv for
a couple minutes. wow am i a loser. all i wanted today was
to go see fireworks with someone and did i get that? no of
course not. i sat home alone...again. not a big suprise.
usually im not the kind of person that just wants a
boyfriend....it used to be if i had one then fine and if i
didnt then that was fine too, but now i want to be with
someone. i don't want to be alone anymore. it doesnt even
have to be a boyfriend just a really close friend that is
there for me when i need them. i used to have that, now i
am alone most the time. the people i used to be friends
with have now come together as a group, the same people
that only started hanging out together because they were
all friends with me, and now they are all friends and i'm
left out. and why is it i grew apart from them? because i
decided to go to college a year early because i hate that
school. let me get one thing straight, i dont regret going
to college the way i did. i love it and its so much better
then high school. and i really do like the people there a
lot more but because its summer vacation, the college
friends are back home and the only ones around are the old
high school friends. when the fall semester starts i think
things will be better. maybe ill make some more friends.
people that actually care and that arent just friends with
me because they want me(contrary to what james tells me, or
at least used to) last time i talked to steve we talked for
like 2 seconds. i cant help but wonder if its becuase now
he is trying to work things out with his ex again and now
he doesnt need someone to talk to. maybe the only reason he
talked to me before was because he needed someone to listen
to him and now that he has her again i wont be needed.
iwouldnt be suprised. i mean he doesnt seem like that kinda
guy but it seems like the best explanation to me. why would
he want to actually be friends with me, i think i just
annoy him. i seem to do that to everyone. i wish i could be
happy with myself and i wish i didnt feel so fucking
worthless all the time. but hey i guess thats how i should
feel. i mean nothing, i am nothing, i will never be
anything more then nothing.


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