Christine

Why Cant I Get Better??

Everywhere I turn, I see people conquoring their mental
demons. But no matter what I do, I cant banish mine. I
watched a movie and the main character conquored her
illness. I read someones diary. She overcame cutting. And
here I am, crazy as hell and with scars. Lets see. I was in
therapy for a few years and didnt accomplish anything
except quenching my whorism before it took control of me. I
was on pills. All they did was sedate me and make me gain
weight. I was in a hospital and all i got was feelings of
resentment. Ive made promices and have tried to stop
cutting and harming myself in other ways and I keep
failing. Its actually fucking annoying because the urge to
cut is like a bright white light. When it hits me, I cant
think of anything else. And when i cut myself I hurt my
boyfriend because he hates it. Then I spend a week hiding
them because I feel ashamed and for a week I feel so
ashamed. Then I get happy. Then the light comes. This
happens every week. I scare myself because each time it
gets worse. Last night I didnt cut myself but I did
something that could have killed me. Good thing I didnt do
the other thing.. I just am addicted to hurting myself in
whatever way i can, whether its with a knife or with words
or chemicals or just doing stupid shit. I dont want to die,
as much as I talk about it. My future usually seems bleak
except for one part. This will ound cliche' and Halmark-
esque but the one light in the tunnel of darkness is my
boyfriend and the thought of spending my life with him.
When we talk about the future I get so happy. I kind of
wish he would propose to me tho. I dont want to get married
for like 7 years but I want a ring but even more
importantly, I want that magical moment of the actual
proposal. Him lookinginto my eyes and telling me how he
wants to spend his life with me. A ring isnt going to make
either of us love the other more and it isnt going to
change our level of commitment. Its just a symbol but I
hear all these wonderful magical proposal stories and I
want one too. Ive had a moment close to this. When I told
him I wanted to spend my life with him. That was one of the
happiest moments of my life. Hell, just being with him is
the happiest moment in my life. I talk alot of shit and it
sometimes seems like we always fight but we love eachother.
He is the most important thing in my life. I never knew
true happiness until last year, the first time we told
eachother, I love you. Then we kissed and it was magical.
Nothing else mattered. None of the pain and confusion
mattered. We have grown so much since then and so much
closer. But still, I tingle when we kiss and smile when we
say I love you. Perhaps Im obsessed. But I dont mind. Even
when Im so angry at him he somehow makes me smile, even if
its in my dreams. I am so rambling. I could talk for hours
about him and love but Ill save that for my own mind. Back
to the point. Im fucked in the head and dont know how to
fix it. If only people knew the depth of my madness. The
images that inhabit my mind. The poison it feeds me
everyday. Perhaps one day i will be free, and then, only
then, I can fully take on my life.