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2001-06-27 02:35:02 (UTC)

I keep track of my friends....

...and I keep track of my enemies.. who is who? who is
who? it changes daily.." - 7yearbitch

So.. Erica IMs me, all like "Wana chill with me and Pam
someday?" WHAT now. I HATE PEOPLE. She said Pam was
saying how she misses hanging out with me and shit. Fuck
that. Fuck THAT! Why do people come into your life and
pretend to be your friend pretend to care about you and
then they fuck you over and then at THEIR convienience,
they come back all ready to use you some more. I HATE
calling me and askin for a ride. Okay. Thats fine. I
really dont have anything better to do and I dont really
mind. If they need a ride, of course I will be there.
Even RICHARD. Richard, who supposedly "has been in love
with me for 2 years" or whatever the fuck. Yeah. so he
calls me last night, to ask if I can pick him up from
school. And Im all like sure just call and remind me which
he doesnt do and then he calls all expecting me to BE
there. and then later, he needs a ride to his house. So
he calls me. I havent chilled with Richard since school
got out and hes all like "i thought we were guna chill
today". fuck that. katie did that shit all up my ass.
Fuck you man, if you need a ride, well call and say hey i
need a ride. dont PRETEND to want to chill with me.
nobody cares about anybody really it makes me so angry and
so sad I start really liking someone and then I realize :
they dont care about me, they dont even have the POTENTIAL
to care about me, the CAPACITY... like I dont even SEE it
happening. and its so disappointing. I wish I could be
like Dawn and just NOT like people. its so disappointing.
and everyone EVERYONE.. they FEED off of other peoples
weaknesses. they LOVE to hear bad news. it makes them
feel better about their lives. GOD I HATE PEOPLE.

I dont want to chill with Pam. I dont want to chill with
Erica. I certainly dont want to chill with Claudia and
probably not Richard either. Or Matt. Because they dont
care about me. They dont even UNDERSTAND the degree that I
care about certain people. I really dont think they do. I
thought Matt did but I dont think so. He's such an actor.
I'm glad he's talented... I'm glad because I care about
him... he means something to me... but it also sucks for me
because I know he lies to me all the time. And he doesnt
need to. All I really want from anyone is the truth. Just
be honest with me...

And I'm not trusting. I'm not even secure enough to trust
the smallest things. I dont trust Pam's intentions. I
really feel like everyone is out to fuck me over. Fuck
anyone over. Everyone. It's all a big game. I dont want
to play. I wish everyone would just be real. "keep it
real" lol nobody can KEEP it real because nobody IS real
nobodys honest nobodys really nice its all pretend to make
themselves look good.. really. its all a big act a big
show a big game. its all about who can fuck who over
first. all i want to do is be happy, do happy things,
think happy thoughts have fun. but everythings so
complicated inside my mind. and i dont want that. i want
simple. fun. i want people to care about me. i like
caroline. i dont know why. probably because shes like her
brother. but shes not. she seems real.. maybe shes not. but she
seems like straight-up. but i dont think she likes me. i
dont ever think anyone likes me, unless i dont like them,
then i realize oh they like me but i dont care cus i dont
like them. selfish. just like everyone else. it makes me
so sad.

Everything is such a waste. a stupid waste. everything is
gossip and talking shit and ME ME ME for everyone. people
arent nice. im not nice either. but i wish i was. i wish
everyone was. i wish people were REAL. no one is
themself. I just scratched my leg and now its really red
and it hurts. People suck so much. they hate and they
assume and they hurt.. i dont want to hate. but i do i
hate everyone for being so mean. im so scared that
someones going to push me over the edge. i am so fucking
unhappy here. and it wouldnt take much you know. like the
next person that i let into my life and start caring about
a lot, that fucks me over, because thats what people do,
im scared. im scared why cant someone just love me? care
about me make me trust them and NOT FUCK UP. i dont
understand. i would have never ever cheated on matt. if
he cared about me, he wouldnt have either. and i know oh
im young it doesnt matter, but it does. because he made me
believe he cared about me so much all those letters and
things he did and told me for a year and a half. and he
cheated on me. and he lied to me. constantly. and he
still does. just be honest... i dont understand... im very
unhappy. very unhappy..