2001-01-05 23:54:11 (UTC)

well.................so far..

well.................so far what my thoughts on life
are.........life is only what you make of it. i mean you
can control your life even though at times it seems like
you cant.but then again you truly cant anyway. i mean there
has been stuff in my life that i wish i could take back but
i cant. like my father getting sick. knowing that he is
going to be in pain no stop for the rest of his life. you
know it makes me think. he is only 32 and it's like he is
dieng but very slowly and so young. it makes me think about
my life. you know i am not that good on saying what i feel
when i want to. it's like i know in my heart what i want
to say and when . but then i am silent. it hurts me at
times cause you know i get scared. not knowing what the
other person will think or say. see my feelings are strong.
like when i tell you i love you........it comes from my
heart. in the past those words hurt me alot. cause you know
they are just words. but it depends on the feeling behind
them. like with a.j. when i told him i loved him that came
from my heart. where he will always be. i have no doubt
about that. you know he is very special to me. he always
has been.he has the cutest laugh. i dont know i was just
thinking about that. he can make me smile and makeme laugh
when i am having a bad day. i seem to cheer up when i talk
to him.................................well right now i
have to sit here and wait for monday when i see my doctor.
been having this pain. for about a week. havnt told
anyone . except my friend anne today cause it kinda
slipped . i wasnt going to say anything period untill i
knew what was wrong if anything. but i did tell her by
accident. like i have said i dont my friends worrying about
me. i am strong. at leats i like to thin so. i guess my
strenth is my friends. well no pills have been halping me
so i really cant do anything right now except wait whcihs
is hell. yet i tell no one .my parents and anne is all that
knows now. i dont know. i almost passed out a while ago. i
just got up and everything that was before me turned black
and i fell. this has happened before. nothing new to
me.have had that for hell who knws how long. ok i would
rather get off this subject................you knwo when i
sit and think it makes me sad at times. cause all i can
think of is bad ......not all the time but most of it. i
guess it gives me a chance to get it all out there even
though it may put me to tears. i dont think anyone has ever
really seen me in tears. i wouldnt want them too. not to
sure why. just dont want them too. cause i think it is sad
when i cry. alot of things makes me cry. knowing that my
friends are in pain yet they say nothing.........my
life.....past furture present......sometimes just me. at
times i have cried so much i ran out of them. it got to a
point that i could not cry any more tears. that has
happened alot lately. i am an emoutional person i am not
afraid to admitt that. saying that doesnt scare me what i
dont say does.you know the only time i have ever really
kpet a journal is when i was going out with a.j. i wrote
what i felt about him it's when i started to wirte peoms. i
will go back and it it sometimes over and over, it makes me
cry sometimes cause they were such happy memories and still
are. my feelings for him were strong and still are maybe
even stronger. probly are. .............when ia m alone i
sit on my bed. in the dark being lit by only a single
flame. the flame reminds me of myslef.see with the flame.
it stands strong. glowing brightly.....with no fear in the
world.....ligthing our lifes.....showing us the way........
..............but soon the flame does get blown
out.....there is no more brightness.no more guidence.just
taken away just like that. a flame reminds me of my slef.
see on the outside i am a strong person. always
there.letting you know that i will light your way.that i am
your light. but in the end i always end up being blown
out.taken from myslef. taken from the ones i love at
times.and i feel alone.....no one to to guide me.no one to
show me the light.so like the flame. i sit in darkness.
till once again i am lit. not knowing how long that could
be or if even at all.........................

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