2001-06-26 21:02:21 (UTC)


i just want to get rid of this shit.
i want to know someone
who thinks as i do.
i want someone to listen
and not just wait for their turn to talk.
am i asking too much?
is that TOO much.
for me to ask.
of you.
i dont want to change you.
i love you for you.
but thats what i want you to be.
not bullshit you think i want.
is there not enough left in the world.
for people to be okay.
and be happy.
i just want someone to hold me.
and tell me that everything is okay.
that im not insane.
and that people ARE just stupid.
and mean.
and the hate i feel is justified.
why do people think i am wrong.
until the find out for themselves.
oh you were right ashley.
fuck yeah i was right.
i dont talk about shit if i dont know WHAT exactly im
talking about.
and i dont lie.
because lying shows youre weak.
and i am not weak anymore.
and im not mad at anyone anymore.
i just mad at everything.
im just NOT caring now!
and thats whats bothering me.
you have power over me to make me numb.
but im not dumb.
and im not ignorant.
and im not going to let you do this.
i am alright.
you are all just fucking crazy.
im looking for trust.
and understanding.
and compassion.
but thats not anywhere anymore.
im the ONLY one left who cares about ANYTHING.
im not a crazy activist.
i just care about PEOPLE.
if someone needs to get in front of me when im driving.
i let them.
what the fuck difference does it make anyway?
why doees it matter when you arrive wherever youre going.
you know?
a matter of 2 seconds.
isnt going to change that much.
and the kindness you show to others.
will make them so much happier.
and i think that the ends justify the means.
and i dont like a lot of peopel.
but i dont go OUT of my way to be mean to them.
id probably go out of my way to be nice to them.
so maybe they could SEE that not everyone is a fucking
not me.
not me anyway.
but fucking.
its like i feel so alone.
because not one agrees with me.
and its not bad being alone.
not a bad thing.
just, WHY cant i meet someone
to understand
and hold my hand
and not be ashamed of that...
you know.
and WHY do peopel care who you love anyway.
if you love someone. thats all that matters.
im not going to like quote the beatles.
its just that
people have forgotten that we are all in this,
whatever "this" is. together.
and you know.
a baby will die if it doesnt have some sort of nice human
did you know that?
and WHAT exactly does that say about us?
are we really all the bitter and vindictive now?
that you have to take it out on people you dont know?
peopel youll NEVER see again.
you ever wonder what happens to the people you cut off?
what if they die tomorrow.
you know?
and the LAST image they had of you.
was you being an asshole.
you knnow.
you had to make their lives just THAT much worse.
like shit doesnt happen anyway.
to make people sad.
you know?
im not saying we should all "love" one another.
just, do something in youre life ONCE NOT for you.
for someone.
someone you might NEVER see again.
someone who might not EVER even notice.
or care.
or anything.
and dont do it to feel good about yourself.
just do it.
to be nice.
and not get anything in return.
hold a fucking DOOR for someone.
you know?
and EVEN if they are rude to you.
you had a postive impact on someone.
you know?
i dont know what to do with myself anymore.
i dont know how to deal with it anymore.
i really dont.
even the peopel i love cant understand anymore.
and why do i love them anyway...
'you know.
why do i love so many people.
when they dont care.
i mean.
peopel ive loved so completly.
and you know.
i dont know where they are right now.
whats going on in their lives.
if theyre happy.
or what.
and i probably will never talk to them again.
even after all we went through together.
you know.
and what really pisses me off and what is making me crazy
is that they dont care.
you know.
its like were taught NOT to care anymore.
becasue when we care.
we get hurt.
classical condtioning.
people would just rather NOT care.
were all a bunch of apathetic assholes now.
and you know.
its all bullshit.
and im tired.
im tired of talking and writing.
and the only thing that makes me feel better about any of
this is writing in here about it.
but i mean.
its not going to fix anything.
i CANT fix anything.
and i realize that.
i mean.
people hate me because im gay. or white. or female. or
as a person.
they dont know what i stand for.
but they ASSUME all this shit.
most of which isnt even true.
and they go on with their pathetic little lives.
and dont even think.
about it.
you know.
what their hate has caused.
or how theyve hurt.
you know.
i wonder how many people have commited suicide because some
stupid little thing like someone i dont know, not saying
thank you. or someone cutting them off in traffic. or
someone just, not LISTENING to them.
what if YOU have done something like that.
not even thinking.
and thats what made someone go over the edge and kill
thats the fucking problem.
we dont fucking think.
think the FUCK for yourself.
and what is this all accomplishing?
you know. the past 30 mins ive been here ranting.
what have i accomplished?

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