Freedom

keeping my hands in the air
2002-07-03 04:36:28 (UTC)

new times

reading back on some of my old entries, i feel like ive
grown a lot. im not the same person now as i was when i
had written/gone through what i had written about. it's
kinda weird realizing that. when i look back on these
things, it makes me wanna wish that there was a limit on
how naive one is able to get. lol. but i realize all i
have to do is just take what i got out of what happened
and go on. and when i think like this, i realize that i,
myself, have changed. i used to be this girl who was
always having fun and always crushing on one guy or
another. i didn't realize any depth that was in my soul.
then now all of the sudden, things have just changed. my
best friends whom i used to do almost everything
with...now our friendships have changed. i barely talk to
one of them anymore. we've just gone our separte ways. im
still really good friends w/ the other, but...i dunno.
they've all got their whole group which im kinda part of,
but also kinda not. im good friends w/ a bunch of the
people, but i never seem to know when they're all getting
together. before, id feel left out and lonely, but now, it
just doesn't feel right for me to be there. i guess i just
want more out of life than just sticking my tongue in
every guys' mouth or cruising down the strip (which, in my
town, isn't much at all). but whenever i think like this,
i wonder if im losing my sense of fun. but it's like this:
i do love to have fun (trust me), but what i really want
is something that requires more that feels true and much
more meaningful. maybe what i need is a change of scenery.
ive lived in this same place practically my whole life and
ive grown up w/ practically almost everyone i know.

now as for the guys...ive found this guy who is everything
ive ever dreamed of and so much more. he's amazing and ive
never known anybody at all like him. and from the time
since ive known him, ive realized how he's changed. he
went from being ur typical high school cutie to an
incredibly strong man. i found out things about him that i
never knew when we were in FL on a church trip. he does
nothing short of making my heart melt when i think of him.
he's amazing. there are a couple of problems in this and
one of them is that he's supposed to leave in a couple of
months. but ill deal w/ that when the time comes. i don't
want him to go, but then again i do. i know he can't stay
in the same place forever unless that's where God wanted
him to be. so what comforts me is the thought that if God
thinks he and i are meant to be, then it'll happen. if
not, then that just means ill find something out there
even better. so either way, i gain something.

well, that's just me wanting to get those things out.
later.