starry nite

my own world
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2002-07-02 21:23:04 (UTC)

shitty day

i fucking hate my life. i dont even know why sometimes. i
have been having terrible moodswings all day. i havent
taken my meds in a couple weeks cuz they werent helping
buti can feel my moodswings getting out of control again. i
really wish they would find something that could help me. i
want to go out and do something so bad but no one else
wants to. steve asked if i wanted to go get chinese but i
hate chinese. and im kinda wondering if maybe i should stop
hanging out with him. i like him a lot, definatly more then
i should considering we are just friends. today he was
talking about his ex, the one he used to say he hated and
never wanted to talk to again. well now she wants to talk
to him and he said that they might end up back together if
they start talking. it made me sad to hear that. i mean i
want him to be happy, but he isnt happy with her. he said
so all the time.i know he would never wanna be with me, i
mean why would he? he could do so much better, but i know
he can do better then her too. he said the only reason they
are together is to lean on each other. why can't i be the
someone he leans on? but i know that will never happen im
never going to tell him i like him as more then a friend
b/c it would make things weird between us. the reason i am
considering talking to him less is because its so hard for
me to hear him talk about other girls and stuff. its stupid
for me to be jealous, usually im not the jealous kind of
person but since i know i cant have him i hate hearing
about the girls that could. we have been becoming better
friends and i wont throw that away just b/c i have a stupid
crush on him but its so hard to just act like i only want
to be friends. im a loser i mean he shouldnt have to be
with a person like me. james is right i messed up, i screw
up the relationships im in. its always my least
thats what he used to say. well guess ill go sit in my room
and listen to music since i have no where to go.

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