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2001-06-26 07:19:34 (UTC)

raahhh me venting yet again about all this stupid shit that pisses me off.

right now...
i am cold.
but i am not alone.
not anymore.
the memories of her...
im forgeting.
i cant remember the way you look.
the sound of your voice.
your eyes...
that i stared into so many sleepless
i laid awake and watched you sleep.
you innocent.
so weak.
and you turned on me
like so many before.
you took and you took
like i was your little whore.
like nothing you said to me.
have any substance for you.
i guess now that none of it was true.
and you knew...

you knew what you were doing.
and thats why i will never forgive.
peopel tell me to let go.
but im not out for revenge.
i just cant comprehend why you would hurt.
like i wasnt hurt enough
before you forced yourself into my life.
i had so little left.
and you took it away too..
im bitter.
im pissed.
but now im just fed up with this shit.
i just want to get away from people.
all the do is meaningless.
they have their little houses.
that they bought with there stupid money.
all the little houses.
that all look the same.
with the little wife
or husband.
marriage isnt even forever these days.
its sick.
and it sucks.
and i make me go crazy.
i hate all the people.
and the way were so lazy.

i just am filled with SO MUCH HATE
for all the stupid mean people.
people that hurt others.
without even caring.
the apathy we all show.
the way we fucking look down on people
and talk shit.
and gossip.
and assume things.
you know.
we all fucking do it.
and its sad.
and sick.
and it makes me really sad.
and im so over it all.
i dont understand WHY
thats all i want to know
i want to have some sort of explanation to all of this shit
you know?
for all the shit thats happened to me.
in my life.
and in others lives.
theres so much pain.
and suffering.
i wonder sometimes if this IS hell
and were all being punished..
you know?
because god.
theres so much shit.
and WHY
you know?
why does it all happen.
and WHY isnt there fucking someone who can give me answers.
i have SO many questions.
i mean.
peopel are all like, oh when you die its heaven or hell.
yeah. you know.
either youre BAD or youre GOOD
if so
fucking we are ALL going to hell
because every one sucks.
and theyre all mean.
and like even the people that DO good things..
like vollunteer or whatever
its for fucking selfish reasons.
you know?
to make THEMSELVES feel good.
oh i gave money to blahblah
whatever man.
and i hate welfare.
im sorry.
im a bitch for that according to everyone i know.
but im fucking sorry.
a little help for a little time is alright.
but fucking, years on that shit?
oh its the governments money.
my fucking ASS.
the government doesnt HAVE any fucking money.
its OUR money.
from me.
and you.
all of us.
and fucking is III had to graduated highschool and get a
fucking job and go to college and whatever else.
so the FUCK should they.
its bullshit.
if III have to have an abortion or go through the adoption
prcedure because i dont think im finacially able to support
my child.
and if i have to suffer with the emotional effects of that.
so the FUCK should they.
you know.
i hate money.
and i hate peopel.
and i hate the way it all works together.
i hate lying too.
that really makes me mad.
and cheating.
you know.
if you honestly love someone.
youre not going to WANT to be with anyone else.
so, why does it happen.
you know.
or people who are in abusive realtionships.
that pisses me off from both ends.
fucking you shoud NEVER physically or emotionally or
sexually harm another human being, that you supposedly love.
and you shoudl NEVER take that shit.
WHHHHYYY would someone do that to themselves?
ohh they really love me.
bull fucking shit.
i hate people.
and i hate the fact that people think IM the bitch for
feeling this way.
does ANYONE understand this shit?
am i crazy???LOL.
because apparently.
no one does.
not even my friends.
they are all like, ohhh the NRA is bad ashley.
and im sorry.
but i want to be able to protect myself from all the
fucking insane people.
and if that makes me a bad person.
so be it.
ive been a member since i was 8.
and i havent gone crazy and killed anyone.
its not the NRAs fault.
and ive had a pretty fucking fucked up life.
and i havent gone crazy and killed anyone or like, blown up
bulidings or anything.
so, the whole. ohhh the had a bad childhood shit doesnt fly
with me either.
fuck that shit.
all you do is make a bunch of fucking excuses.
thats all that shit is.
thinking makes me angry and sad.
and i think too much.
when i was on drugs i didnt think.
and so, i was happy.
and happy.
you know.
im not sure which i think is better yet.
goodnight diary.