Me and More
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2002-07-02 13:36:21 (UTC)

What to do?

Dear Diary,

I've been feeling a little, well a lot down lately. I don't
know what's wrong. Last night I just cried outta no where.
I just don't know what's wrong. It's like right now not
very much can make me smile a true smile or laugh a true
laugh. Most of the time it's fake. I can't let on to how I
feel. If i do I start to feel guilty, like i ruined
everyone else's mood.

There is so much that I long for but I know I can never
have. So many things I wish to do but will never get to do
for one reason or another. Sometime's i wish I didn't have
all these feelings inside me. It's gets really painful at
times, but I know deep in my heart that I wouldn't be the
person I am today if it wasn't for these feelings.

I know some of these feelings are love, loneliness,
despaire, jealousness(don't ask) and some other things. I
just can't figure everything out. It sucks. I know people
have much bigger problems and I feel bad for bitching, but
I had to just get it out some how. I can't hold everything
in for ever.

Do you know what I want more than anything? I want to be
happy. I wish i had the happiness that Michelle has with
Turtle. It's something I've been longing for for a long
time. I mean a long time. She's so lucky in the department
of happines and she really deserves it. She's such a great
person she deserves to be happy all the time. And I know
Turtle will keep her happy for a long while.

Sometimes I think what is wrong with me that I keep
happiness away? Everyone will tell me nothing, that it will
happen sooner or later. But I just don't know right now. I
don't know if it's the mood I'm in, been in, or what but
right now I feel really alone and lost.

I'm out for now.
PS. Please no more messages on this thing, I'm not here
enough. If you want to talk you can e-mail me at
[email protected]. OK?!
Thank you.