2001-06-26 05:18:38 (UTC)

"theres always some reason... feel not good enuf, and its hard at the end of the
day..."-sarah mclachlan

well here it is at the end of the day... fuck man. reading
over last nights, i feel a little better tonight but not
much and i dont really know why... nobody cares about me.
not the way i do. and if they do, i dont. why? why dont
i spend my time with people that DO instead of surrounding
myself with all these people who DONT. i dont understand.
i dont understand but i know that im unhappy. im really
tired tonight. carolines on but shes not talking to me,
and im supposed to call matt back but im not going to. he
told gus : "It's not like we're going out, I dont know why
I have to call her and hang out with her everyday" FUCK
YOU man you DONT. he SO doesnt. if thats how he feels
then i really dont care, like he really has this huge
pride confidence ego ISSUE that he has to all portray this
IMAGE that he's in control and that i'm begging him to
chill with me and shit and its not like i dont feel that
way anyway sometimes like i dont know why he has to make me
feel like even more of a loser than i already do and then
like tonight he was all telling me how erin asked him to go
see a movie with her and shit fuck that man and before he
told me she has a boyfriend so somewhere along the line hes
lying AND straight up just trying to make me feel jealous
and upset me. so i dont NEED that. but what do i need?
when we werent chillin at all i felt so sad. i dont
understand. i dont think caroline likes me. LIKES me not
LIKES me. im not that much of a loser. but i think i
annoy her. in one way or another im always annoying to
everyone. either im myself and sad, and its annoying cus
people dont want to deal with that, or i try to be happy
and i come off as overly... overly SOMETHING overly
annoying. whatever. i really hate my life. i really
really do like i really hope that someday it doesnt all
suck this much. i know i have 2 legs and 2 arms and sight
and hearing and all of that and im glad i try to remember
and be glad but i look around and i
see all these fucked up people fucking everyone else up
taking everyone down with them who in turn do the same to
other people and i look at all the shit my moms been
through - put herself through... and i know im going to do
the same. i've started already. its so sad... how
everything is like, over. already. like theres no new
experiences. and i wake up and when i have the energy, i
think, okay. today's going to be fun. today im not going
to be sad and im not going to be angry and im just going to
have fun. and everyday i get sad, and i get angry. im so

"If you think you're strong enuf, if you think you belong
enuf- Nice Dream!"